July 28, 2012

I Think I Just Had a Moment

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded physical activity. I have always been out of shape, and I have always felt like I was incapable of being athletic or even doing things that required coordination.

Me, far right, about age 6

 I much preferred reading over sports, and I hated every time my friends patronized me in PE. Even when I was thin in high school, it was because I had an eating disorder and I swam laps in the family's pool for hours and hours every day.
Me, left, age 17
As I grew up, I was teased a lot... I mean... a LOT about my size. It probably didn't help that I was so incredibly insecure that I never even tried to do much physical activity. As I got older, I shoved the possibility of athleticism out of my mind, and convinced myself that food was my real enemy. If I didn't eat, I wouldn't look the way that I did... so I stopped eating pretty much altogether. I lost 90 lbs the summer before my sophomore year... that's 90 lbs in about 2 1/2 months. I ate about 400 calories a day, and I swam for about 3-4 hours a day, and if I couldn't swim in our pool, I'd bum rides off my friends to swim at the local rec center, or I would walk around town as much as I could. I went from a size 20 to a size 12 in one summer, but I still only did the exercise that I knew I could do without shame over my body.

Nowadays, things aren't too much different. I have spent the majority of my life shying away from anything that could possibly humiliate me. Until this month.

Me, left (duh), November 2011

I've been trying really hard to work out every day for about two weeks now. I haven't been as disciplined as I could have been, but I am thrilled that through hard work, I've been able to see results in such a short amount of time. But, I've still kind of been playing it safe. I've been watching my portions, making sure I take vitamins, and working out about 4 times a week, but I've been ignoring the workouts that I can't seem to master, or the ones that I feel really embarrassed while doing them.

Take for instance, the aerobic move "The Grapevine."

Today, I put in an aerobics DVD, and started the program. It got to a grapevine, and I tried once and just could not get it. I've found something out about myself... two things that are diametrically opposed. 1) I love aerobic dance and 2) I have absolutely no rhythm. No joke.

I turned off the DVD and started to do my own thing, then it hit me... I was running again. I was shying away from what I thought I couldn't do... what I thought my body didn't deserve to do, and settling for something else. I turned off all of my music, and step-by-step, I went through the grapevine movement. Then I turned on my Youtube Cardio playlist, and decided I'd try it out to a beat. The first song to play was "Ready" by Britt Nicole, and let me just tell you.... I had a moment. Not only does the song describe my attitude toward Satan, and the bondage and lies I've held onto regarding my body, but I was actually doing The Grapevine to the beat.

I cannot tell you what joy filled me because of a silly aerobic step. More than that, I found myself singing along... because I am so ready to put this behind me. I am ready to stop weighing my actions based on how ashamed of my body I am. I'm ready to shed all of that pain and anger and move forward. I'm ready to stop listening to the voice of an enemy who only wants me worn down and incapacitated. I'm ready to find joy in physical movement, whether I ever lose weight or not. I'm ready to go.

(Britt Nicole)

Lately I've been reeling
Off the way you got me feeling
I've been tired of this for way too long
You give me answers when I didn't ask
You keep bringing up my past
Always play the same old song
Tired of buying all your lies
Acting like I am alright
So I hope you liked it last time 'cause that will be the final time I wear my painted smile
and sing along
Yesterday's where you belong

Ready, ready to put you behind me
Ready, ready to go
Ready, ready to show you the doorway
I think you need to know
That taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
Ready, ready to go

Can I make it anymore clear?
You're no longer welcome here
I guess you need to hear it again
I've got a brand new life
Love's on my side
Games over, you lose I win
Yes, I'll tell you one more time
No see you later it's goodbye
Hey, you need to pay attention
I don't know how you keep missin' everything I'm trying to say
Listen close, I'm moving on


I'll put this behind me
The way you define me
Love says I'm something more
I'm over the pain
I'm done with the shame
I found what I waited for
You left me with scars
But He healed my heart
I found my place
Secure in His arms
So, I'll put this behind me
Yeah, I'll put you behind
I'll put you behind me


taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
ready, ready to go

Yeah, I'll put this behind me
Taking your time is out of the question
Yeah, I'll put this behind me

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