March 26, 2007

Remember His Promise...

He will swallow up death for all time,
And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.
Isaiah 25:8


Don't Worry 'Bout Me

Stream of Consciousness

It isn't like I want to relapse completely. I just take everything in so slowly, and I never release anything, and it builds up. There's no doubt in the world how dark this temptation is-- how demonically influenced it is-- it's like all of this stuff that I take in and never let out, it all builds and builds under my skin-- pressing, wanting to tear or swell out... and then I hear that voice suggesting that my addiction hasn't run its complete cycle, and I need to finish it... and I believe that voice, as though it has ever had anything beneficial, useful, intelligent, or good to say... But I don't do anything, because I remember that I'm supposed to wait three hours before actually going at myself with anything (knife, razor, thumb tack, pencil) and I remember that if I want to do anything, all I have to do is pick up my old red marker (the one that ran out of ink a few weeks ago) and methodically mark my arm...


till I go fuzzy enough and I wake up to remember that it's not at all worth it-- just because someone says "I've never known ANYONE quit cutting cold turkey" doesn't mean it's impossible--

that's where God's victory resides.

3 years, 4 months, 17 days, and counting.

March 10, 2007


There's something in me that tells me I'm not really good enough... something that calls me to be less than I'm worth. There's something that constantly reminds me of the falsity that there is nothing beautiful or delightful contained inside my soul. There's something in me that tells me to stop moving forward... to stop growing up... to stop fulfilling my obligations. Something's telling me that complacency is okay, that revolt against a divine plan is acceptable. There's something... no, everything inside me is telling me that any pain I feel is deserved, that I wasn't created for amy specific purpose... that I will always be unwhole.

But, You work inside of me. You constantly make motion of the dead. If anything in me is wrong, You set out to change it. You find me beautiful. You find me delightful. You make me worthy. You fill the unwhole.

March 08, 2007

O Holy Night

I'm in my campus' computer lab, and for the past few minutes, I've heard someone humming "O Holy Night."

I dont know if there is actually someone humming it, or if it is in my head.

But regardless, it's DEFINITELY the 8th of March today, and "O Holy Night" should not be heard for at LEAST another 8 months.

March 03, 2007

What a Weekend!

I admit that I am completely shaken at this moment. For the past year, I have protested against the practices of modern Christianity concerning the idea expressed by a youth pastor I once knew;

"If you fill these chairs, you're accomplishing ministry."

This ideal makes me ILL. It makes me irate. But moreover, it inspires me to want to change both myself and my world.

This weekend, my best friend, Teia has been in town. She recently participated in a mission trip to Thailand, where God threw her whole life in circles that haven't really subsided yet. We talked a lot about the state of Americans, and how it affects the state of the American church. In our church service this morning, the theme was continued by my younger sister reading from her journal about an experience she had in Juarez, Mexico.

Here's the truth: plain and simple.

Americans are spoiled. American Christians are spoiled. Instead of being holy and set apart from our depraved culture, we are conforming to it. We have become attractional, invitational, and we demean God by ignoring the weight that His Gospel places on the hearts of those called by God to believe. We ignore the commands of Christ, and replace them with programs or man-made institutions. In essence, we ignore Christ.

On top of this, after returning home from the church service, and saying goodbye to Teia, I logged onto Facebook, only to find one of the most incredibly written blog posts from my friend, Alex. Alex has to be one of the best writers that I know, but I don't think I have ever read anything from him that has struck me so hard. I want to quote a bit of it, and if you click on the title of this post (here on Blogspot), you can read the whole post.

"Indeed, the earth groans, children weep, and will we yet do nothing? If your said “fire” for Christ be real, prove it with your sacrifice rather than talk. Go out and help your neighbor instead of attending another church sponsored concert. We have a clear choice, either live like a disciple or live like a heathen, lest God spit us from his mouth. How often have we shame Christ with our words, our actions? I will freely admit, I am as guilty as any, but I have grown sick of it, weary of it. My heart aches as I throw mud on the cross with my words, with my actions….but I tell you now no more! I will not live this half life, this double life; I will be in Christ or die trying!

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations Matthew 28:19"

On Aprils

Ten years ago, I sat in the dining hall of a Christian camp. A man my father's age sat with me. It was April, and I had no idea... I had...