Follow Up

After my post, Songs of Time, I had the most incredible experience. Of course, there was no one awake, so there was no one to share it with, but I thought I'd e-mail Abbi... because I wanted to tell someone.

My E-Mail—"I just wrote a really long blog post about my recovery from self-injury, and where I am now in relation to that-- it talked about how every phase of my recovery drew a picture of who God would later become in my life. I've been healed from a lot of things lately... mostly things that were residue left over from self-injury... my hatred for BLANK, my barriers I've built between BLANK and me, my whole eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and so many other things. I have been completely healed, and I am so beyond rejoicing... I can't even describe it. Well... as I was writing this blog post, I was listening to Jars of Clay's song, Worlds Apart, and I was in a really worshipful mood. I decided that, since I hadn't done my quiet time, I would read at least a chapter. I remembered a verse in Isaiah 51 that God revealed to me when I was about 14, and right at the brink of my whole bout with self-harm. Until tonight, I thought it was just a cool, powerful verse, especially for someone struggling with an oppressive addiction. The verse is:

14. The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon,

nor will they lack bread.

Of course, when I was 14, this was a comfort for me... and since tonight, I was sort of walking through things that helped me along in my recovery, I thought I would read the verse, but I ended up reading the entire chapter up until verse 16.

1 "Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD : Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
2 look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth. When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.
3 The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
4 "Listen to me, my people; hear me, my nation: The law will go out from me; my justice will become a light to the nations.
5 My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm.
6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.
7 "Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults.
8 For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool. But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations."
9 Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 The ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass,
13 that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
14 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
15 For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name.
16 I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' "

As I read the last verse, I realized that God didn't give me that verse to help me to recover, even if it was a comfort. He place the verse in my heart as a foreshadowing of the journey He would take me on. Every verse describes perfectly the story of my recovery... the entire passage echoes a promise of preservation that I always felt in my bones, even if I couldn't see it at times. I bawled as I read it... I mean... happy, smiling, sobbing, gut wrenching, bawling...

I don't know if this makes sense to you... but I have never felt so personally close to God.. like, He literally touched my heart with this passage, and rewound my memory to the first time I read it... when I was 14, sitting in the backyard of our house in Staunton, my Bible and sketchbook open.... scouring everything I could (my heart, nature, scripture...) for some shred of who God wanted me to be... Six years later, after refining me, reviving me, and restoring me, He brings up this passage again and reveals my exact identity... " I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' " "

At church on Saturday, Isaiah was again placed before me, only this was a word of knowledge, given to me as a means of encouragement. It was a personalized mission for me, reminding me that I am the perfect example of how God heals an addiction, and that there are still many "cowering prisoners" who are dealing with such things as cutting and eating disorders who do not know the healing power of Christ.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

I now have an official website for my bookstore. The inventory is still small, but I thought I'd share a link with the world.


Shylock's Daughter Booksellers

Songs of time

A lot of times, it seems like I am living my life through song lyrics. Tonight, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane by listening to all of the music I listened to when I was still self-injuring, recovering from it, and even some of my modern music. By doing this, I realized how much music marked my life, and how much of a voice it gave me. Doing this also gave me a glimpse of something that I have been personally rejoicing lately-- healing... complete, beautiful, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs healing of everything in me.

In the past year or so, God has picked one thing after another to remove from me and cleanse out of my life. I have finally been freed of so many things-- self-hatred, grudges held against those who have hurt me in the past, my compulsiveness, my obsessiveness, my pretentiousness, my disordered eating, living under deception, the fear of not being good enough....

All of these things and more have disappeared from my life, and it never felt like a gradual thing. It was more like.... one morning, I woke up and I felt no resentment toward a certain person, and I felt no bitterness or pain when I thought of another. Another morning, I woke up and had no desire to control my food intake, nor did I care if other people saw me eating, nor did I care if other people looked at me and said "how'd she get to be THAT big??". And another morning, I woke up knowing that despite who I am, who God is never changes, so I will always be good enough to do His will. And still another morning, I woke up and realized that I didn't have to be afraid of holding a conversation with another person, because my mind worked coherently and I was lucid... no problems with my memory or with expressing myself verbally.

I was healed. I am healed.

And now, as I sit here listening to the music of my past, I realize that God brought me through every phase of my addiction in perfect order, so as not to leave out any experience that I would later rejoice in having because it gives an inexplicable portrait of who God has become in my life.

Even in the stage where I could not find words for my pain or emotions, God drew out my emotions with words in the form of lyrics or poetry. This was the phase where you just have to take every emotion as it is, and force yourself to feel it... and if you can't do that, to have to at least describe what it looks like to you. The line "Time doesn't always heal, it just breathes and swallows memories" describe perfectly the feeling of hopelessness, or the feeling of helplessness of the phase. Where you have the emotions, but no where to put them, so they sit with you, on you, in you, and you just sit and wait for release as time breathes and swallows memories, cradling you with its rise and fall of breath.

The next phase is the beginning of recovery, though it never really feels like it. It's the time where you find a healthy release of emotions. My release (the only true release) was found in God. I was a mess... it felt like I was metaphorically bleeding out all of my emotions that I had pent up or never recognized as valid. Completely, wholeheartedly bleeding myself dry of emotions. I would cry out to God, "You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything", and plead for Him to "usher me down". I would sit alone in a room, trying to stay perfectly still so as to restrain myself from self injuring, the lights out, music blaring, and my body shaking... feeling "the weight of loving all the things you hate", and praying that somewhere beyond the mess I was in, God was going to restore me into something He could use.

And He did restore me, but not until after I felt the dryness of the next phase. After all of my emotions had run up, and I knew that I was beyond the habit of literal self-harm, I had a deep feeling of inadequacy. This is not the sort that everyone should rightly feel in light of who God is, it is a lie... it is the feeling that something YOU have done will eternally and irreparably hinder God's use of you. So often, I'd find myself singing to God-- "Daddy, daddy do you miss me-- The way I crawled upon your knee? Those childish games of hide and seek seem a million miles away. Am I lost in some illusion, or am I what you thought I'd be? Now it seems I've found myself in need to be forgiven. Is there still room upon that knee?", and wanting more than anything the child-like relationship I had once shared with my Holy Father. Instead, I felt as though my sorrow's absence left my life with no meaning, and more than anything, with no feeling.

After two or three years of the third phase... the dry spell, if you will, God finally gave me the restoration I had so longed for. He provided me with a true Church family. He revealed to me multiple passions that I had so longed to see, and more than anything, He revived my heart and is continually romancing me and drawing me to love and want Him more. The only lyrics I can think of to describe this glorious phase even in the least bit are as follows:

"Free from the worry,

Free from the dark that lives in me.

Free to embark on the passion

You've favorably fashioned in me."

And now, as I stand here, completely incomplete, but completely assured in the fact that my sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west, I can find no words to express my gratitude and love for my rescuer, but I daily repeat the prayer, " More and more, I need You now. I owe You more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago. So steal my heart and take the pain, wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. take the beauty, take my tears... the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours take my world all apart. take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away."

Reasons Why

Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of You

I don't remember one jump or one leap

Just quiet steps away from Your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too

Feeling this short of a love that we once knew

I'm calling this home when it's not even close

Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines

Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own

But nobody's happy while feeling alone

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall

We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

It's hard not to wander away It's hard not to wander away

nickel creek

_________________________

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

Jude 1:24&25

I don't really have a lot to say after my trip, except that... when you decide to stop reading George Orwell somewhere between Chicago, Illinois and Holland, Michigan, and you pray to God that He removes your short-sightedness, He'll back up your memory until the time that you're 12 years-old, signing up for an online e-mail pen-pal website and planting a seed that will turn out to be a life-changing experience.

God grows some beautiful things, truly.

... and I finally got to give her a real hug. :)

I am no longer the poet of my youth
Nor am I the scholar of last year
Nor am I the girl of even yesterday
But it's okay
At least I'm still a pretty good cook.

I didn't know it was so easy!

Today, I retrieved our mail and was excited to find the Willow Creek Association's Fall 2007 Resources & Events catalog. Even more exciting was the full color page of bar graphs, promoting a church leadership book and disclosing some findings from three years of research that Willow Creek conducted within 7 congregations, including their own.

In the last bargraph, people were compared in their spiritual growth by compartmentalizing them into 4 groups: Exploring Christianity, Growing in Christ, Close to Christ, and Christ-Centered.

These four groups of people were then polled to see how well they performed three spiritual behaviors: Tithing ("I give 10 percent"), Serving ("I serve one time per week"), and Evangelizing ("I have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations per year with Non-Christians.")

I guess I am way too hard on myself, because I never thought it would be so easy to be Christ-Centered. Less than 40% of these "Christ-Centered" people tithed. Little more than 40% of Christ Centered people serve in their church once per week, and little more than 50% of Christ Centered people have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations with Non-Christians per year. PER YEAR.

Man, I guess I need to lower my standards a little. It's a relationship, not a religion.... right?

I am HOME

After spening a week away from my family, I realized why I am such a homebody. It isn't because I am agorophobic, or because I missed the computer, but sitting here, in the middle of Aiden's mess of toys, listening to Kikka mouth off to everyone that's not paying attention to her, and listening to my mom and Amy's non-stop chattering (they like talking...), I remember that home isn't locational for me. It isn't this 12 year old track home in O'Fallon, Misouri. It isn't even this Suburb of the greatest city in the Midwest. It's my family.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I adore all of them. There's a lot of them, and they're noisy and obnoxious, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

So... school is just around the corner. It's been sort of a big summer for me-- publishing my novel, really getting involved with True Vine and Gamaliel's Counsel, and a lot of travelling that isn't even over yet. At the end of August, I'll be visiting Grandville, Michigan to meet my best friend of 8 years. Yes, to meet her. We have been pen-pals since we were 12 years old. We've been through engagements (all on her end), break-ups (of course, all on my end), brain surgeries, addictions, and serious struggles with God together. She was the first person to ever ask to be my best friend, and the first person to ever tell me that if there was ever anything that I couldn't ask God for, that she would be the one to talk to Him in my stead. We've mourned with each other and we've rejoiced with each other... and now, for the first time ever, I will be able to give her a REAL hug. I am excited beyond belief.

Job Moments

For the past few weeks, I've really been trying to work on a lot of issues with God. On Saturday, at church, my dad talked about two things that really struck me: asking God to reveal to you what lies Satan uses to distract you and influence you in your life, and consecrating yourself for Holy use. For starters, I thought for sure that I was past the whole being lied to by Satan thing... I was convinced that when I stopped cutting, I stopped being duped by the devil. But in the past three weeks or so, I've been running into some things that have been revealed to me as major roadblocks in how I can be used by God. Last week, the topic of discussion between my Abba and me was boys. This week, our conversations have to do with my lack of friends.

See, I have close friends... but Teia lives in Bolivar. Abbi is in Michigan, and right now, Ian is somewhere in Europe... or Iceland... or something. I have yet to be able to really connect with anyone around myself that I can really, really be close to. (This is not to downplay the importance of the irreplaceable trio in my life... it's just different when you can see them regularly.)

Last night, I found myself sleepless (go figure), and pleading for God to show me what is keeping me from really connecting with people. I kept coming up with my own answers for the question (I like to do that when asking God things), like, "Am I too blunt?", "Do I need to change who I am?", or even the infamous "it's because I'm fat, isn't it?" And though God answered "no" to all of my questions, my chain of thought proceeded to the inevitable "Well, even if You gave me a close friend, you'd just take them away like You always have in the past" routine that I've been through time and time again with God.

It struck me, right about the time I finished the "I'm too fat" question that I sounded just like Moses when he was making all sorts of excuses for himself when God asked him to do something. I remembered God asking him, "Who made man's mouth?", and I laughed at myself.

Our excuses are worthless to Him, because He knows our capabilities. It isn't about how fat I am, or how blunt, or even how many friends I have-- it's about whether or not I realize that He is totally in control.

This is where the consecration comes in. I think that Moses and Job are two perfect examples of consecrated men in the Bible, but it wasn't until they realized that God created them for a distinct purpose, and that they were pointless without Him that they were truly at peace. They recognized God for who He is, and recognized their place in light of Him. Moses fell before the Burning Bush before he freed a nation from slavery, and Job put his hand over his mouth in embarrassment before God restored his riches and position.

The refinement was incredibly blunt, but some of us need that every now and then.

Scars that Save

Over and over Your blood covers me.
How many times will it take me to see?
I am so dangerous.
I am so irresponsible.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that You took the blame.

Over and over it falls back to me.
My knees hit the floor and it's easy to see.
I am so arrogant.
I feel so unforgivable.

This is my same old song.
The one where I do it all wrong.
And I will try (fight) with all that
I am to get it right in the end.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that I am to blame.

Kids in the Way

Two Poems On Tea Parties and Ghosts

The First Tea Party: Written in a Fit of Bitternes
Toward a Boy Undeserving of My Emotions
(April 6, 2007)

No, I won't stop apologizing for things that aren't really my fault
Because maybe it amuses me when you're just a little upset at my insecurities.
Maybe I want you to feel bad, because you never cared to before
And maybe I don't see that you ever even cared before at all.
Maybe the blood rushing from my face and my fingers turning to ice
Is just a reaction to your inability to take anything seriously.

Maybe ghosts are just too hard for me to have tea with
I can't sit across the table and smile when it's fake.
One lump or two, it never really mattered to me at all.
Although the scones were always my favorite,
I can't go on with things when I don't care, even though I know you can.
What makes it worse is, I know that I don't deserve you.
This has nothing to do with sour grapes.
I don't deserve you.

But I don't deserve another cup of tea, either.
And you're just going on with it because you like the taste.

The Final Tea Party: My Declaration of Independence
From Boys Undeserving of my Emotions
(July 11, 2007)

Some will leave you, but they will never leave you whole
They'll listen, but never really be able to hear
(Meaning they hear, but they'll never really care)
They'll call you worthless and push you away

Your ghosts will invite you to tea
Sporting somethings similar to character
Just as strong as their weakly brewed darjeeling
And strength just as pale as their pekoe stained with milk
Calling for two lumps instead of one to sugarcoat the truth.

These spirits will betray you
Lying to your face about what they could or couldn't be
Secretly saying "You're too good, but not good enough for me"
They'll send out the crisp invitations with only your name on the list

But if tea is any indication of character
And tea parties are the shindig of the posthumous,
I think I'll stick with coffee from now on--
The fresh, mellow energy... the strength that keeps you alive.

My Top 20

People pin me as two things most often... 1) Anti-Romantic and 2) an average 20 year old kid. In order to prove both of these notions wrong, I'm posting my top 20 songs ever recorded list. Enjoy... and be surprised, maybe.

1) "Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay
2) Beethoven's 5th Symphony
3) "Martyrs and Thieves" - Jennifer Knapp
4) "Old Rugged Cross"
5) Mozart's Symphony #40
6) "Why Try To Change Me Now?" - Frank Sinatra
7) "Can't Hurry Love" - Phil Collins
8) "My Girl" - The Temptations
9) "Pressure" - Queen
10) "Keep Waiting" - Stavesacre
11) "My Ever, My All" - Steve
12) "I Cry Out" - Parallax View
13) "Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls
14) "Everybody Loves Somebody" - Peggy Lee
15) "For Once In My Life" - The Temptations
16) "Fools Rush In" - Elvis Presley
17) "It Is Well"
18) "In Christ Alone" - Adriane Leishing-Camp and Geoffe Moore
19) "Scream" - ZOEGirl
20) "Ever The Same" - Rob Thomas

Booby Prizes and the Holy Spirit

This post will be two-fold, but I think it sort of ties in together.

Lately, I've formed the habit of not sleeping. On this particular morning, this habit provided me with the opportunity to dig into God's word by light of the sunrise. Unfortunately, my Bible was not in my bedroom, and at 5 AM, I really didn't feel like venturing outside and waking up my parents, as well as my puppy, I scanned my prolific bookshelves for a Bible or any book that might contain large chunks of scripture.

I picked up a book that I found at a book fair when I was about 11 years old. It was published in 1965, and is entitled "Going Steady With God." It is a one-year devotional plan for teenage girls, but there is a lot of scripture in it, so I thought I would at least start in July and read four or five pages. I was surprised to find an in-depth look at the workings of the Holy Spirit after the day of Pentecost, as well as some incredibly outdated lingo and anecdotes. One of these anecdotes really jumped out at me.

"Once when I was your age I was at a Sunday school party where we were asked to name all the parts of a car. I got the booby prize because I named everything but the engine! Many Christians today need to be given the booby prize. They name everything about the Christian life and everything about the Church except the power, the dynamo!"

I still have a smile on my face from this excerpt from the book. Despite the obviously 60's overtones, Anna Mow had one thing right-- most Christians DO deserve the booby prize. In today's ministries, the movement of the Holy Spirit is left out, ignored, or never even taught.

This brings me to the second part of the post. I randomly check some part-time job listings on snagajob.com, just in case I ever feel like being employed by another person again. Today, I really identified with one of their promotional strategies.

In a modern, program driven church, it is REALLY easy to find a place to plug in and serve, much like it is easy to find a minimum wage job. However, the Holy Spirit is rarely involved in this process. We take our multiple choice personality test, run it through the system, and pair ourselves with what we seem to be best suited for. But, all too often, when we try to work outside our gifting and outside of the leading of the Holy Spirit, things get awkward, much like the photos above. I have known many lifeguards working in mail rooms, and jockeys working on cattle ranches, and I have definitely known some mechanics who were placed into jobs at trendy boutiques.

This is all metaphorical, of course, but when who we are doesn't jive with what we are doing for Christ, we aren't reaching our full potential. We aren't accessing the dynamo of the Christian faith, or the powerhouse of the Church-- the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Legacy & Unvoice poetry contest.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to say what this (as well as numerous other Nichole Nordeman songs) means to me.

Meanwhile...

Unvoiced Poetry Contest:

Hosted By: Unvoiced
Deadline: Thursday Jul 26, 2007 at 7:00 PM
Where: Anywhere in the USA
Click Here To View Event

To enter this contest, e-mail me (unvoicedthebook@mail.com) with an original poem or essay expressing how self-harm has affected your life.

Possible topics might be:

*Are you recovering? Do you want to?
*How do you feel when you self-injure?
*Do you know and love someone who self-injures?
*How has self-injury affected the relationships in your life?

Prizes include:

Grand Prize: Free, autographed copy of Unvoiced by Jessica R. Goodwin; Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, and; your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Runner up: Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced, and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

3rd place: $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Essays and poems will be judged by me and three of my closest friends or relatives. All contestants will be notified of the three winners on July 30th, 2007.

DEADLINE: July 26, 2007

Pass it on!

Starting Small

It's been nearly four years in the making. At last, UNVOICED IS HERE! You all haven't the slightest idea how excited I am to be writing this blog. I have just finished, published, and ordered the first edition of Unvoiced-- a novel by Jessica R. Goodwin.

If you want your own copy, click here. I apologize for the price, but it really is the cheapest way for everyone, and I promise I'm not getting more than I should from each book.

If you REALLY want to read it, but can't spare up to $15 for anything (including shipping!), let me know... I can pass around my copy, or I can order one for you with my discount and you can pay me back. Also, it is available in downloadable PDF format for a waaaay less expensive price.

So... there you go. PRAISE GOD!

This I Believe:

This I believe:
Beauty can be found in almost all things.
There are no small actions.
Despite what you think, you ARE pretty.

This I believe:
There IS a God, even if that offends you.
It doesn't matter if you disagree with me, as long as you still respect me.
We're SUPPOSED to be different-- it's how we were created.

This I believe:
Books rule. Anyone who tells you different probably forgot how to read.
Old movies are better than new ones.
Spending time with my family is approximately 164% cooler than anything else in the world.

This I believe:
You should never take relationship advice from someone who isn't even old enough to vote.
It's okay to be crushless.
It's okay to be just you.

This I believe:
YOU are the only person you should aspire to be... because that's who God wants you to be.
What you revere, you resemble.
There is nothing more beautiful than a soul captivated by the love of God.

What inspires me...

I thought I'd post some music videos, because I have nthing better to say than what these songs say, and because I think it all needs to be said.




For this one, please take it with a grain of salt. It's actually an explanation of the next video... it's powerful, though.

Repost

Since people actually read my blog now, I thought I'd repost this... Even if you've read it before, I think you'll get a kick out of it again.

What I Want in a Church

L-O-V-E

"Become a nun, and I'll leave you alone."

I laughed out loud as I read this statement from a friend in a Facebook message earlier this week. A short conversation with Bob Carder over the weekend prompted me to write about it. I was going to last week, actually, but I got so caught up in denouncing the complacency of the American Church in that last post that boys seemed like a silly topic of blogging. However, I have involved a lot of people in praying for my decision in this matter, so I figured that an update amidst such heart changing was in order. =-)

For the past couple of years, I've been really struggling with what role God has for me as a woman of God, and trying to flesh out the desires He has placed in me regarding romance and family. It seems that all of my friends are on either one side of the spectrum or the other (except for my father, who wisely fall somewhere in the middle.) Either I WILL get married, or I should devote my entire earthly life to celibacy.

Over the past few months, however, I've found myself really meditating on the idea of marriage. See, it's easy to say "I want to get married!" when you know someone you think you want to marry or "I'm swearing off boys forever!" when that person just TOTALLY played you, but for a while now, I've found myself simply at peace and not saying I will or I won't. Last week was really confirmation to me in this area. I found God telling me, "You only deserve someone who lives with total abandonment for the cause of Christ, and until that person comes along, you are to just strive to be the woman I created in you." Simple as that.

This was freeing for me, to be perfectly honest-- to know that God has created me as an individual entity that doesn't have to sit around and wait for a husband before I can accomplish ministry. Furthermore, God allowed me to throw out all of my "standards" but one-- total abandonment for the cause of Christ. To hold any other standard than that is to limit God in who He has me marry. God knows the desires of my heart, and while I am quick to assure all of my friends that they will find just the person God has for them, I still keep thinking, "mine HAS to love to read, he HAS to want to homeschool his kids, etc...", but it's not in my control anyway, and if it is God's will for me to marry a man like that, then I most definitely will have opportunity. I've found that it was not marital direction that God was pressing my heart to find, but contentment in knowing that He knows me (and my future husband!) much better than I do.

Until I find that perfect or almost-there boy, though, I'm fervently praying that God will guard my heart, because when I try to do it, I either fail miserably or I end up passing up chances.
Only He can do it right... story of my life.

Obedience: a choice, not a process.

I'm currently reading K. P. Yohannan's book, Revolution in World Missions. One part of the book thus far really struck me, and it got me thinking-- why can't the American Church give up their buildings, programs, and method of ministry? I find it really, really strange, in light of the millions of other Christians in the world who meet without buildings or programs, that America seems so violently attatched to their church schedules.

Here is the part of the book I'm referring to:

"This kind of miracle kept me going from village to village for those seven years of itinerant preaching. Our lives read like pages from the Book of Acts. Most nights we slept between villages in roadside ditches where we were relatively safe. Sleepong in non-Christian villages would expose us to many dangers. Our team always created a stir, and at times faced stonings and beatings.
"The mobile Gospel teams I worked with-- and often led-- were just like family to me. I began to enjoy the gypsy lifestyle we lived, and the total abandonment to the cause of Christ that is demanded of an itinerate evangelist. We were persecuted, hated and despised. Yet we kept going, knowing that we were blazing a trail for the Gospel in districts that had never before experienced an encounter with Christ" (p. 30).

Now... this sort of thing is perfectly acceptable for a preacher in Third World countries, but when you try to place a minister like Yohannan in the context of the United States, it seems absurd to us, doesn't it? Why is that? How much have we as Christians conformed to secular society? How much do we worry about retirement, investments, education, mortages, and other material concerns that bear no weight on fulfilling the Great Commission?

When Yohannan heard God's call to spread the Gospel, he didn't stop what he was doing, set up a savings account at the local bank, and enroll in a Christian University, hoping to someday make it through a Masters of Divinity so he could preach in a church full of complacent Christians, urging them to invite their friends to Friendship Sunday one day a year so that he could spread the Gospel. He heard God's call, and he listened. Simple obedience is what it really comes down to.

Now which option sounds more absurd?