"Become a nun, and I'll leave you alone."
I laughed out loud as I read this statement from a friend in a Facebook message earlier this week. A short conversation with Bob Carder over the weekend prompted me to write about it. I was going to last week, actually, but I got so caught up in denouncing the complacency of the American Church in that last post that boys seemed like a silly topic of blogging. However, I have involved a lot of people in praying for my decision in this matter, so I figured that an update amidst such heart changing was in order. =-)
For the past couple of years, I've been really struggling with what role God has for me as a woman of God, and trying to flesh out the desires He has placed in me regarding romance and family. It seems that all of my friends are on either one side of the spectrum or the other (except for my father, who wisely fall somewhere in the middle.) Either I WILL get married, or I should devote my entire earthly life to celibacy.
Over the past few months, however, I've found myself really meditating on the idea of marriage. See, it's easy to say "I want to get married!" when you know someone you think you want to marry or "I'm swearing off boys forever!" when that person just TOTALLY played you, but for a while now, I've found myself simply at peace and not saying I will or I won't. Last week was really confirmation to me in this area. I found God telling me, "You only deserve someone who lives with total abandonment for the cause of Christ, and until that person comes along, you are to just strive to be the woman I created in you." Simple as that.
This was freeing for me, to be perfectly honest-- to know that God has created me as an individual entity that doesn't have to sit around and wait for a husband before I can accomplish ministry. Furthermore, God allowed me to throw out all of my "standards" but one-- total abandonment for the cause of Christ. To hold any other standard than that is to limit God in who He has me marry. God knows the desires of my heart, and while I am quick to assure all of my friends that they will find just the person God has for them, I still keep thinking, "mine HAS to love to read, he HAS to want to homeschool his kids, etc...", but it's not in my control anyway, and if it is God's will for me to marry a man like that, then I most definitely will have opportunity. I've found that it was not marital direction that God was pressing my heart to find, but contentment in knowing that He knows me (and my future husband!) much better than I do.
Until I find that perfect or almost-there boy, though, I'm fervently praying that God will guard my heart, because when I try to do it, I either fail miserably or I end up passing up chances.
Only He can do it right... story of my life.
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