May 14, 2008

I'm glad that God doesn't have to obey me.

Ink makes my skin itch. I used to use red pens to mark up my arms whenever I would feel like cutting, and the skin around the red marks would get, well, red and itchy. Now, I reserve the act of writing on myself for only incredibly important reminders. As I sit here, listening to one of my favorite Christian musical artists (Jennifer Knapp), I am being renewed. I am being reminded of one of the most essential foundations of the Christian walk-- one I have not been so quick to remember as of late. One that counteracts everything that I've been struggling with lately.

See, even though most people wouldn't believe it, I care greatly about how people view me. I have a lot of rules concerning the way in which I should live, how my ministry should be carried out, and how I fit into the elements of life around me. I should emphasize that these are my rules. No one gave them to me, no one told me to have them, and no one ever told me that I had to keep them. Lately, God's been breaking my rules. He's been telling me to stop caring how people see me, and to start living as though I know that the Living God is inside of me... because the truth is, Jessica cannot make Jessica a great leader-- only Christ can. I don't think that my sin is in an inflated ego, because I know that I cannot be a great leader. My sin is in forgetting that Christ works through me to make my ministry so much greater than I ever could.

Right now, I have written on my hand, "The All-Consuming Fire BURNS IN ME"-- to serve as a reminder of where my strength to lead really comes from. Thank you, Jennifer Knapp, for writing this song in 1999 so that I could hear it 9 years later and finally get it.

i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but
He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

now i never claimed to be anymore than i am
any more than i seem
in fact i bill myself so much less than i am
so much less than He sees
so may i hold out with an open hand
this frail life of mine and pray that You can make it stand
most Holy God it's all i need to say that i'm thankful
i can believe in the

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

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