March 26, 2007

Don't Worry 'Bout Me

Stream of Consciousness

It isn't like I want to relapse completely. I just take everything in so slowly, and I never release anything, and it builds up. There's no doubt in the world how dark this temptation is-- how demonically influenced it is-- it's like all of this stuff that I take in and never let out, it all builds and builds under my skin-- pressing, wanting to tear or swell out... and then I hear that voice suggesting that my addiction hasn't run its complete cycle, and I need to finish it... and I believe that voice, as though it has ever had anything beneficial, useful, intelligent, or good to say... But I don't do anything, because I remember that I'm supposed to wait three hours before actually going at myself with anything (knife, razor, thumb tack, pencil) and I remember that if I want to do anything, all I have to do is pick up my old red marker (the one that ran out of ink a few weeks ago) and methodically mark my arm...

onetwothreefourfive

till I go fuzzy enough and I wake up to remember that it's not at all worth it-- just because someone says "I've never known ANYONE quit cutting cold turkey" doesn't mean it's impossible--

that's where God's victory resides.

3 years, 4 months, 17 days, and counting.

2 comments:

Terry M. Goodwin said...

Praise God for the power of the Holy Spirit! Do not give in! Do not give Satan one moment of victory. He is the father of all lies. God will show the world His Glory through you if you will allow Him to. Pray for rescue. Pray for strength. Pray that God will release your emotions to feel His love.

I will pray for your strength. I will show you His love. I am with you when you need me. Please don't walk this time alone. Satan desires to separate you from the love of others so he can have you alone. Do not allow him the opportunity.

Bob Carder said...

Praise God for your life! God is glorified! When we are weak it is in Him that we are made strong!

I love what you bring to others through your life, writing and example. You are real! You are loved! You are an overcomer! You risk being vulnerable to help others!

I'm praying specifically for you and you will be pleased when the answer comes!

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