August 22, 2006

I'm afraid I must work in the morning, but I thought I'd do a short little blog thing right quick about a topic that has seemingly overtaken my life as of late-- Catholicism. Everywhere I turn, I run into it. Tonight's small group meeting really drove it into the ground for me. I don't think this is bad, in fact, it's probably good for me, ya know? Dejan's been asking me tough questions about my doctrine that I've never been asked before, I've been listening to the verbal sparring of Ryan and whoever feels like attacking him on any given Monday, and my conversations with McGee have been funneling down to one or two main points of conflict in my little, Evangelical mind.

It's interesting, though, because before I began seriously talking with McGee, or attending Jeff's English classes, Catholicism hardly caught my attention at all. I was a happily ignorant little Protestant girl. Now, I find myself literally caught in the middle of Protestantism and Catholicism, with no desire in my heart to convert to the latter. (Yet a heavy desire for celibacy-- which is a whole different issue.) I can't, however, openly admit this to any of my friends (Catholic or otherwise), because the Protestants like to breathe down my neck all the time, and the Catholics never understand why I don't just convert if I'm really "almost Catholic", as some like to call me.

Truth is, I have a serious issue with the idea of the Tradition of the Catholic (Roman or otherwise) church being the unwritten word of God. I understand the concept. In fact, I find myself explaining it more and more to most of my non-Catholic friends as though I believed it, but I can't. It isn't that I doubt that The Church is the Bride of Christ, spotless because of His sacrifice, nor do I think that we should disregard history and the theology of Godly people that have come before us in interpreting the written word of God, but if the Church, or the Pope, do all the interpreting, what is the Holy Spirit for?

As for the celibacy thing...

So, as very few know, there is a boy named Dan, who I irreversibly allowed into my heart, and who I thought had done the same for me. I was wrong.. I got played. It happens, life goes on. But with this current (and ever so deep) heartache of mine comes a renewed reminder of my possible call to celibacy.

It makes me wonder... is this call only a resort after I have been hurt? With Dan, I almost feel like I was trying out another guy just to see if God REALLY meant it when He placed this in me. Why are these guys so easy to look past? Are they just distractions from God's calling? Am I just afraid of never finding someone? All of these questions have been battling on the forefront of my mind for the past 8 months, and still I find no resolution.

I'm pretty sure that all of you are thinking, "So what? Everyone goes through struggles." But I cannot say that I've ever met anyone that has gone through this particular struggle... and what a struggle it is! To think-- I may never become a mother. I may never have a wedding day. The struggle doesn't come in what I'm giving up, though, it comes in the idea of what I might be missing. If I were to remain celibate, would God really make it worth my while? I know that is a silly question. Really, I can't believe it even passes through my mind. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know where I'm going. I feel completely out of place, completely alone, and like God's reserving me for that "something better" that may never come. Sometimes, it feels like I'm holding out for nothing.

I know I'm young, and there's a lot of life left to live, but I'd rather every moment be used by Him. It isn't like I'm not willing-- it just feels like He's not interested at the moment.

And that hurts.

Meh... I'll finish this tomorrow or Wednesday, if there is anything to finish. I've had a really, really long day and not nearly enough sleep, so I am going to head off to Dreamland.

"I just want to be something more than the mud in Your eyes. I want to be the clay in Your hands. 'Cause Gloria is silent, and glory is a silent thing." - Mineral


Slatts said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Slatts said...

Hello there,

Thank you for the comment and apology, though as you know, you certainly didn't owe one to me.

I may have overreacted to the situation really. I knew that Eric was going to try and trip me over some misdefined (by me) notion that I was happy to humor him with.

But there came a moment when it was no longer in good fun. It seemed that the accusations were not in jovial spirit and I was unsure how to respond to the antagonism. So I may have myself become defensive and rude.

I think what really got me was the imposition of ill-will or cowardice on Pius XII and a willingness only to speak of the sins of Catholicism with no reference to the overwhelming good she is brought to the world.

It's one thing to dance on the doctrine of papal infallibility, it's another thing to attack a man I consider to be a Saint and worthy of honor (Pius XII).


Terry M. Goodwin said...

God will bring doctrines into your life in a very predominant way throughout your life. At times it may be Catholicism later it may be others. The Spirit works in us to test all things according to Scriptures as the Bereans did and were commended by Paul for doing so. As long as you grow closer to God in your wrestlings then discipleship has occurred.
I find it interesting that you view Monday nights as attacks on Ryan. When someone of another faith comes knowingly into a group with a different faith and proclaims ideology without regard for how their "audience" will react, then they share in responsibility for the reaction. What is expected to happen if you come into a group of protestants and expouse Marism, Papal infallibility, Supremecy of the Catholic Church and other doctrines that have been soundly rejected by protestants from their inception. If I were to go to a Catholic group and expouse my rejections of these doctrines verbally and including at prayer time I would expect harsh reaction. That is not the place or the method to proselatize.
As for your issue of celibacy - If God has called you to be celebate He will make clear His purpose for it. If their is no purpose for it then I say there is no call for it. He may make you go long in self denial to find that purpose since you will be long in self denial fulfilling it.

Do not let a prolonged period of pruning convince you that God is not desiring to use you. The longer the perparation the bigger the mission.

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