It's interesting, though, because before I began seriously talking with McGee, or attending Jeff's English classes, Catholicism hardly caught my attention at all. I was a happily ignorant little Protestant girl. Now, I find myself literally caught in the middle of Protestantism and Catholicism, with no desire in my heart to convert to the latter. (Yet a heavy desire for celibacy-- which is a whole different issue.) I can't, however, openly admit this to any of my friends (Catholic or otherwise), because the Protestants like to breathe down my neck all the time, and the Catholics never understand why I don't just convert if I'm really "almost Catholic", as some like to call me.
Truth is, I have a serious issue with the idea of the Tradition of the Catholic (Roman or otherwise) church being the unwritten word of God. I understand the concept. In fact, I find myself explaining it more and more to most of my non-Catholic friends as though I believed it, but I can't. It isn't that I doubt that The Church is the Bride of Christ, spotless because of His sacrifice, nor do I think that we should disregard history and the theology of Godly people that have come before us in interpreting the written word of God, but if the Church, or the Pope, do all the interpreting, what is the Holy Spirit for?
As for the celibacy thing...
So, as very few know, there is a boy named Dan, who I irreversibly allowed into my heart, and who I thought had done the same for me. I was wrong.. I got played. It happens, life goes on. But with this current (and ever so deep) heartache of mine comes a renewed reminder of my possible call to celibacy.
It makes me wonder... is this call only a resort after I have been hurt? With Dan, I almost feel like I was trying out another guy just to see if God REALLY meant it when He placed this in me. Why are these guys so easy to look past? Are they just distractions from God's calling? Am I just afraid of never finding someone? All of these questions have been battling on the forefront of my mind for the past 8 months, and still I find no resolution.
I'm pretty sure that all of you are thinking, "So what? Everyone goes through struggles." But I cannot say that I've ever met anyone that has gone through this particular struggle... and what a struggle it is! To think-- I may never become a mother. I may never have a wedding day. The struggle doesn't come in what I'm giving up, though, it comes in the idea of what I might be missing. If I were to remain celibate, would God really make it worth my while? I know that is a silly question. Really, I can't believe it even passes through my mind. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know where I'm going. I feel completely out of place, completely alone, and like God's reserving me for that "something better" that may never come. Sometimes, it feels like I'm holding out for nothing.
I know I'm young, and there's a lot of life left to live, but I'd rather every moment be used by Him. It isn't like I'm not willing-- it just feels like He's not interested at the moment.
And that hurts.
Meh... I'll finish this tomorrow or Wednesday, if there is anything to finish. I've had a really, really long day and not nearly enough sleep, so I am going to head off to Dreamland.
"I just want to be something more than the mud in Your eyes. I want to be the clay in Your hands. 'Cause Gloria is silent, and glory is a silent thing." - Mineral