Crafty Christmas...

It's just been one of those Christmas seasons where I decide that all of my gifts will be hand made. Along with this decision comes the inevitable desire to cook and bake non-stop. I'm slowly becoming a crafty-blog-aholic, and trying out everything I possibly can, such as...





Pocket Pinboards made for two of the awesome girls in my life, though I cannot disclose names.





Detail on the absolutely adorable fabric on the pink one.





And Rock candy for the kids in the church, though I'm thinking that it still has a few days to go.

Thursday, I'm making some strawberry scones. I've never made scones before, but I'm hoping they turn out really well. Friday is the Goodwin Female baking day before Christmas, and then the real Christmas Time begins. Hurrah!

Florida vacation will begin on Christmas day, which is a way for my dad to TOTALLY throw out all Christmas traditions. We did manage to still have secret santa sort of things, and I made my gifts, though I can't say anything more about it than that. Someone might find out. =-O

All in all, I'm pretty excited. I do loves me some Christmas Season.

My next hair cut?

I get bored pretty easily with my hair, which is bad-- because I never know what to do next. My hair is now reaching the length at which everyone else says "you're hair is getting longer! It's so pretty!", and at which I start thinking "Need...to...chop.... need... tooo... chooooooppp..."

Normally I do something drastic like flippy short short layers...

but, I'm thinking it might be too drastic this time. So... I was thinking... maybe a page boy bob? What do you think? Should I bring back that good old 1940's fashion?

PS-- this isn't a joke.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

For years, I CLUNG to these lyrics...

"All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told"


I never knew how true it would turn out to be.

Wasteland No More

I just finished my second book project. It's called Wasteland No More, and it's a collection of journal entries, poetry, creative non-fiction, and other writings about my recovery from self-harm.

The download for this one is free. Go check it out!

Wasteland No More

4:04 AM

It is interesting to see God's provision in the things He does not allow me to have.

I am congested.

What a week.

God is ushering my ministry with Teia in with a wonderful simultaneous sharing of a headcold. Luckily for me, it's almost gone. I can't say the same for Teia, though. Keep her in your prayers. Not just with the cold, but as she embarks on a totally new chapter of her life... so new that you could probably say that God decided just to begin a new book.

I've decided to start a new blog. Since I have been writing articles about home organization and cooking for a while now, I thought I would join that passion of mine with my passion for interior design. I will still keep The Prologue, but if you're in the least bit curious... or you want to try out a new recipe, head on over to Vintage :: Modern.

That's all for now, I think. I'm going to make some coffee!

Smash Hit

All he needed was PR

A million box of business cards

Careful image consultation

Securing reputation

A clever market plan

He didn't understand

That's all it really takes

He could have played for higher stakes

Now

Somehow

We've gone wrong

This Jesus thing, it's a smash hit

It's packaged right

All stocks have split, it's a smash hit,

It's gone worldwide

Join His name to any cause

Drop His name to get applause

They never get enough

Nothing here to be ashamed of

Those ever loyal fans

They wanna get their hands

On His newest merchandising

Ignoring overpricing

Now

Oh Wow

We've gone wrong

It has no explanation

It smells like exploitation

all star united

A Bookworm's Review: Fiction to Film

After watching BBC's mini-series rendition of Jane Eyre, I was far more than surprised to see someone pull off the character of Mr. Rochester, let alone someone who did it better than Orson Welles.

What I found was a man who bore a striking resemblance to Laurence Olivier, in both his presence and acting style. With all the brutality of character that Olivier was able to execute the roles of Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights, or Maxim De Winter in Hitchcock's Rebecca, Timothy Dalton flawlessly (flawlessly!) portrayed Mr. Rochester.

I was so pleasantly surprised, actually, that I stayed up watching the entire miniseries. It was quite a journey through Miss Eyre's life; a word for word journey, straight from Bronte's pen. Once again, I find BBC undefeated in the recreation of literature of the Romantic Era. First (in my own knowledge) with Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and then with the Sherlock Holmes Pastiche, "The Case of the Silk Stocking" and now with Jane Eyre. I can't wait to see what they will do next.

Burn the Maps

we have got a dream and since it started
they all did their best to stamp it out
now we're not certain, we're not certain
who is on our side, who's on our side
older generations made their decisions
but we don't wanna follow their formula
with all due respect, with all respect man
we don't wanna end up where your at
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
we're breaking branches in the forest
so we don't forget where we came from
start from scratch baby start from scratch now
there's no better time to be reborn
glide across the path like no one's watching
and if you hit traffic, honey that's okay
you're the best at being you now
speed up or slow down choose your pace
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
cause all we need is love
you're giving us a deadline
you're waiting for the punchline
we're waiting for our moment to arrive
so give a little trust
recieve us with an open mind
you're busy reading archives
we're busy making future headlines
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
we're not walking on your footprints
in the middle of a big black trench
we're not walking on your footprints

castledoor

Metaphorically Speaking

Sip at my coffee in this grease ball café
Listening to the crowd maddening outside
In search for celebrity
In hopes of a spotlight
Rain drops pelt the darkness of this darkening world
Waitress sings a song about the daily specials
When all I really want is this coffee and some…
I look out the window to see a carbon copy
Of the latest fad from the no-longer-silver screen
And everyone else playing poor imitations of themselves
Bach echoes in my head, transposed into the trash playing on the radio
Crying out for individuality, but lacking all it takes
Much like the carbon copies and poor imitations outside
So I sit here in this grease ball café
Humming a tune from Bach,
Waiting for my order of change.

Follow Up

After my post, Songs of Time, I had the most incredible experience. Of course, there was no one awake, so there was no one to share it with, but I thought I'd e-mail Abbi... because I wanted to tell someone.

My E-Mail—"I just wrote a really long blog post about my recovery from self-injury, and where I am now in relation to that-- it talked about how every phase of my recovery drew a picture of who God would later become in my life. I've been healed from a lot of things lately... mostly things that were residue left over from self-injury... my hatred for BLANK, my barriers I've built between BLANK and me, my whole eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and so many other things. I have been completely healed, and I am so beyond rejoicing... I can't even describe it. Well... as I was writing this blog post, I was listening to Jars of Clay's song, Worlds Apart, and I was in a really worshipful mood. I decided that, since I hadn't done my quiet time, I would read at least a chapter. I remembered a verse in Isaiah 51 that God revealed to me when I was about 14, and right at the brink of my whole bout with self-harm. Until tonight, I thought it was just a cool, powerful verse, especially for someone struggling with an oppressive addiction. The verse is:

14. The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon,

nor will they lack bread.

Of course, when I was 14, this was a comfort for me... and since tonight, I was sort of walking through things that helped me along in my recovery, I thought I would read the verse, but I ended up reading the entire chapter up until verse 16.

1 "Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD : Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
2 look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth. When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.
3 The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
4 "Listen to me, my people; hear me, my nation: The law will go out from me; my justice will become a light to the nations.
5 My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm.
6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.
7 "Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults.
8 For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool. But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations."
9 Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 The ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass,
13 that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
14 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
15 For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name.
16 I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' "

As I read the last verse, I realized that God didn't give me that verse to help me to recover, even if it was a comfort. He place the verse in my heart as a foreshadowing of the journey He would take me on. Every verse describes perfectly the story of my recovery... the entire passage echoes a promise of preservation that I always felt in my bones, even if I couldn't see it at times. I bawled as I read it... I mean... happy, smiling, sobbing, gut wrenching, bawling...

I don't know if this makes sense to you... but I have never felt so personally close to God.. like, He literally touched my heart with this passage, and rewound my memory to the first time I read it... when I was 14, sitting in the backyard of our house in Staunton, my Bible and sketchbook open.... scouring everything I could (my heart, nature, scripture...) for some shred of who God wanted me to be... Six years later, after refining me, reviving me, and restoring me, He brings up this passage again and reveals my exact identity... " I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' " "

At church on Saturday, Isaiah was again placed before me, only this was a word of knowledge, given to me as a means of encouragement. It was a personalized mission for me, reminding me that I am the perfect example of how God heals an addiction, and that there are still many "cowering prisoners" who are dealing with such things as cutting and eating disorders who do not know the healing power of Christ.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

I now have an official website for my bookstore. The inventory is still small, but I thought I'd share a link with the world.


Shylock's Daughter Booksellers

Songs of time

A lot of times, it seems like I am living my life through song lyrics. Tonight, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane by listening to all of the music I listened to when I was still self-injuring, recovering from it, and even some of my modern music. By doing this, I realized how much music marked my life, and how much of a voice it gave me. Doing this also gave me a glimpse of something that I have been personally rejoicing lately-- healing... complete, beautiful, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs healing of everything in me.

In the past year or so, God has picked one thing after another to remove from me and cleanse out of my life. I have finally been freed of so many things-- self-hatred, grudges held against those who have hurt me in the past, my compulsiveness, my obsessiveness, my pretentiousness, my disordered eating, living under deception, the fear of not being good enough....

All of these things and more have disappeared from my life, and it never felt like a gradual thing. It was more like.... one morning, I woke up and I felt no resentment toward a certain person, and I felt no bitterness or pain when I thought of another. Another morning, I woke up and had no desire to control my food intake, nor did I care if other people saw me eating, nor did I care if other people looked at me and said "how'd she get to be THAT big??". And another morning, I woke up knowing that despite who I am, who God is never changes, so I will always be good enough to do His will. And still another morning, I woke up and realized that I didn't have to be afraid of holding a conversation with another person, because my mind worked coherently and I was lucid... no problems with my memory or with expressing myself verbally.

I was healed. I am healed.

And now, as I sit here listening to the music of my past, I realize that God brought me through every phase of my addiction in perfect order, so as not to leave out any experience that I would later rejoice in having because it gives an inexplicable portrait of who God has become in my life.

Even in the stage where I could not find words for my pain or emotions, God drew out my emotions with words in the form of lyrics or poetry. This was the phase where you just have to take every emotion as it is, and force yourself to feel it... and if you can't do that, to have to at least describe what it looks like to you. The line "Time doesn't always heal, it just breathes and swallows memories" describe perfectly the feeling of hopelessness, or the feeling of helplessness of the phase. Where you have the emotions, but no where to put them, so they sit with you, on you, in you, and you just sit and wait for release as time breathes and swallows memories, cradling you with its rise and fall of breath.

The next phase is the beginning of recovery, though it never really feels like it. It's the time where you find a healthy release of emotions. My release (the only true release) was found in God. I was a mess... it felt like I was metaphorically bleeding out all of my emotions that I had pent up or never recognized as valid. Completely, wholeheartedly bleeding myself dry of emotions. I would cry out to God, "You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything", and plead for Him to "usher me down". I would sit alone in a room, trying to stay perfectly still so as to restrain myself from self injuring, the lights out, music blaring, and my body shaking... feeling "the weight of loving all the things you hate", and praying that somewhere beyond the mess I was in, God was going to restore me into something He could use.

And He did restore me, but not until after I felt the dryness of the next phase. After all of my emotions had run up, and I knew that I was beyond the habit of literal self-harm, I had a deep feeling of inadequacy. This is not the sort that everyone should rightly feel in light of who God is, it is a lie... it is the feeling that something YOU have done will eternally and irreparably hinder God's use of you. So often, I'd find myself singing to God-- "Daddy, daddy do you miss me-- The way I crawled upon your knee? Those childish games of hide and seek seem a million miles away. Am I lost in some illusion, or am I what you thought I'd be? Now it seems I've found myself in need to be forgiven. Is there still room upon that knee?", and wanting more than anything the child-like relationship I had once shared with my Holy Father. Instead, I felt as though my sorrow's absence left my life with no meaning, and more than anything, with no feeling.

After two or three years of the third phase... the dry spell, if you will, God finally gave me the restoration I had so longed for. He provided me with a true Church family. He revealed to me multiple passions that I had so longed to see, and more than anything, He revived my heart and is continually romancing me and drawing me to love and want Him more. The only lyrics I can think of to describe this glorious phase even in the least bit are as follows:

"Free from the worry,

Free from the dark that lives in me.

Free to embark on the passion

You've favorably fashioned in me."

And now, as I stand here, completely incomplete, but completely assured in the fact that my sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west, I can find no words to express my gratitude and love for my rescuer, but I daily repeat the prayer, " More and more, I need You now. I owe You more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago. So steal my heart and take the pain, wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. take the beauty, take my tears... the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours take my world all apart. take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away."

Reasons Why

Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of You

I don't remember one jump or one leap

Just quiet steps away from Your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too

Feeling this short of a love that we once knew

I'm calling this home when it's not even close

Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines

Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own

But nobody's happy while feeling alone

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall

We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

It's hard not to wander away It's hard not to wander away

nickel creek

_________________________

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

Jude 1:24&25

I don't really have a lot to say after my trip, except that... when you decide to stop reading George Orwell somewhere between Chicago, Illinois and Holland, Michigan, and you pray to God that He removes your short-sightedness, He'll back up your memory until the time that you're 12 years-old, signing up for an online e-mail pen-pal website and planting a seed that will turn out to be a life-changing experience.

God grows some beautiful things, truly.

... and I finally got to give her a real hug. :)

I am no longer the poet of my youth
Nor am I the scholar of last year
Nor am I the girl of even yesterday
But it's okay
At least I'm still a pretty good cook.

I didn't know it was so easy!

Today, I retrieved our mail and was excited to find the Willow Creek Association's Fall 2007 Resources & Events catalog. Even more exciting was the full color page of bar graphs, promoting a church leadership book and disclosing some findings from three years of research that Willow Creek conducted within 7 congregations, including their own.

In the last bargraph, people were compared in their spiritual growth by compartmentalizing them into 4 groups: Exploring Christianity, Growing in Christ, Close to Christ, and Christ-Centered.

These four groups of people were then polled to see how well they performed three spiritual behaviors: Tithing ("I give 10 percent"), Serving ("I serve one time per week"), and Evangelizing ("I have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations per year with Non-Christians.")

I guess I am way too hard on myself, because I never thought it would be so easy to be Christ-Centered. Less than 40% of these "Christ-Centered" people tithed. Little more than 40% of Christ Centered people serve in their church once per week, and little more than 50% of Christ Centered people have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations with Non-Christians per year. PER YEAR.

Man, I guess I need to lower my standards a little. It's a relationship, not a religion.... right?

I am HOME

After spening a week away from my family, I realized why I am such a homebody. It isn't because I am agorophobic, or because I missed the computer, but sitting here, in the middle of Aiden's mess of toys, listening to Kikka mouth off to everyone that's not paying attention to her, and listening to my mom and Amy's non-stop chattering (they like talking...), I remember that home isn't locational for me. It isn't this 12 year old track home in O'Fallon, Misouri. It isn't even this Suburb of the greatest city in the Midwest. It's my family.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I adore all of them. There's a lot of them, and they're noisy and obnoxious, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

So... school is just around the corner. It's been sort of a big summer for me-- publishing my novel, really getting involved with True Vine and Gamaliel's Counsel, and a lot of travelling that isn't even over yet. At the end of August, I'll be visiting Grandville, Michigan to meet my best friend of 8 years. Yes, to meet her. We have been pen-pals since we were 12 years old. We've been through engagements (all on her end), break-ups (of course, all on my end), brain surgeries, addictions, and serious struggles with God together. She was the first person to ever ask to be my best friend, and the first person to ever tell me that if there was ever anything that I couldn't ask God for, that she would be the one to talk to Him in my stead. We've mourned with each other and we've rejoiced with each other... and now, for the first time ever, I will be able to give her a REAL hug. I am excited beyond belief.

Job Moments

For the past few weeks, I've really been trying to work on a lot of issues with God. On Saturday, at church, my dad talked about two things that really struck me: asking God to reveal to you what lies Satan uses to distract you and influence you in your life, and consecrating yourself for Holy use. For starters, I thought for sure that I was past the whole being lied to by Satan thing... I was convinced that when I stopped cutting, I stopped being duped by the devil. But in the past three weeks or so, I've been running into some things that have been revealed to me as major roadblocks in how I can be used by God. Last week, the topic of discussion between my Abba and me was boys. This week, our conversations have to do with my lack of friends.

See, I have close friends... but Teia lives in Bolivar. Abbi is in Michigan, and right now, Ian is somewhere in Europe... or Iceland... or something. I have yet to be able to really connect with anyone around myself that I can really, really be close to. (This is not to downplay the importance of the irreplaceable trio in my life... it's just different when you can see them regularly.)

Last night, I found myself sleepless (go figure), and pleading for God to show me what is keeping me from really connecting with people. I kept coming up with my own answers for the question (I like to do that when asking God things), like, "Am I too blunt?", "Do I need to change who I am?", or even the infamous "it's because I'm fat, isn't it?" And though God answered "no" to all of my questions, my chain of thought proceeded to the inevitable "Well, even if You gave me a close friend, you'd just take them away like You always have in the past" routine that I've been through time and time again with God.

It struck me, right about the time I finished the "I'm too fat" question that I sounded just like Moses when he was making all sorts of excuses for himself when God asked him to do something. I remembered God asking him, "Who made man's mouth?", and I laughed at myself.

Our excuses are worthless to Him, because He knows our capabilities. It isn't about how fat I am, or how blunt, or even how many friends I have-- it's about whether or not I realize that He is totally in control.

This is where the consecration comes in. I think that Moses and Job are two perfect examples of consecrated men in the Bible, but it wasn't until they realized that God created them for a distinct purpose, and that they were pointless without Him that they were truly at peace. They recognized God for who He is, and recognized their place in light of Him. Moses fell before the Burning Bush before he freed a nation from slavery, and Job put his hand over his mouth in embarrassment before God restored his riches and position.

The refinement was incredibly blunt, but some of us need that every now and then.

Scars that Save

Over and over Your blood covers me.
How many times will it take me to see?
I am so dangerous.
I am so irresponsible.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that You took the blame.

Over and over it falls back to me.
My knees hit the floor and it's easy to see.
I am so arrogant.
I feel so unforgivable.

This is my same old song.
The one where I do it all wrong.
And I will try (fight) with all that
I am to get it right in the end.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that I am to blame.

Kids in the Way