Erosion

Today, I stood on the back porch watching the rain pour down. I thought about going back inside, but the music on my phone and the tiny gifts falling from the sky were too much for me to resist. I found myself grappling with the big lie.. the Big Lie that creeps into my head sometimes, mostly as a question... What if? What if I can't have children?

And the carousel starts to spin. Around and around, up and down, and totally pointless.

Except for today. I was sopping wet. Water dripped from me as if God Himself had taken the form of rain just to hold my hand. My headphones blared as the rain came harder.

“My hands, my feet, my everything. My life, my love, Lord use me.”

The cry of my heart.

It was then that I remembered that not so long ago, my heart had a different cry. It called to God, “Lord, give me this gentle and quiet spirit that You value so highly.” I thought it would be an overnight change. I thought it would be like breaking up with a not-so-good-for-me boyfriend, or deciding to major in literature. I thought it would come quick and easy.

But it hasn't. It couldn't possibly. A gentle, quiet spirit isn't a building up. It's a wearing down. It comes after a long life of constant wrestling and worrying and pounding on the heart of God. It comes when all of your own strength fails beneath your weight and all that is left to do is fall at His feet.

Sarah is the one that 1 Peter 3 was referring to when it spoke of having a “gentle, quiet spirit.” It says that we can be her daughters if we do what is right and do not give way to fear. I am slowly but surely coming to an understanding of why God said this. Fear is the opposite of this spirit. It worries and frets and manipulates and becomes selfish and embittered.

Sarah didn't really have an easy life. She followed her husband, regardless of where God told him to go. She was barren. She waited a long time for her heart's desire of a son... probably more than 70 years. But she believed. She submitted. She might have become jaded and sarcastic at times, but she never threw in the towel. She always pressed forward in faith.

Her trials wore her away. They eroded everything that was not faith. It was those long, steady years of uncertainty, and sometimes pain, that created that gentle, quiet spirit in her. A gentle, quiet spirit that looked at God and said, “Wherever You take us, You are the Lord.”

I asked God to show me what He is doing, and I see... like the blind beggar, I see. He is wearing me down. He's slowly giving me that gentle, quiet spirit that I asked for. He might not be doing it the way I expected, but the only thing for me to do is trust that He is Who He says He is, and He will do what He said He'll do.

I Don't Live in the Third World, But...

I don't live in the third world, but the place I live can seem pretty darn close. Twelve years ago, I stepped off of a church bus onto the pavement of inner city Memphis. Little did I know, it would be a week that would change my entire life direction.

credit, builtstlouis.net

When I look around my home now, it looks like a war zone. It is desolate and forgotten and broken and oh so very beautiful. I know that Jesus is here. I know because He is the One that invited me to come, too.

credit, stldotage.blogspot.com

It is so very rare to find any kind of art that expresses the state and need (and hope!) of the inner city, and while I know it might not have been his intention, singer/songwriter, Shaun Groves has managed to nail it. With his album, Third World Symphony, I am reminded song after song of why I have given up my apartment in the suburbs with two cars and free time to come to one of the most devastated, violent places in the country.

While songs such as Come By Here and Down Here express more than just a big-picture glimpse at what hopelessness and poverty can do to a place, and the songs Sing and Kingdom Coming express the battle cries of those fighting against such things, there is also present on this album the expression of deep heart things-- inward things necessary for the Kingdom of God to be built.

So, do yourself a favor, find yourself a copy of Shaun Groves' Third World Symphony, and pray for your heart to match up with God's.

Blind Beggar

"As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” "Lord, I want to see,” he replied. Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God." Luke 18:35-43, NIV

          Clearly, when I read this the first time, I didn't see things right. I took it, internalized it, and interpreted through my own selfishness and desires. Instead of seeing the blind man as an example of how I should approach You (full faith, not holds barred, and fully expectant), I saw You as a malevolent God who gives heart desires to all but me. 

         You asked the blind man what he wanted You to do for him. He didn't ask for much. He asked to see. 

        You have asked me the same-- what more could I possibly want from You? I selfishly said the only thing my heart could grasp at-- not devoid of You, but not seeking you, either. Now I get it. 

         Lord Jesus, I want to see. But, I don't just want to see why or why not. I want to see what and who and how. I want to see what You are doing in me, through me, around me. I want to see who You are working on, transforming, disciplining, and drawing to me that I might be Your hands and heart to the world. I want to see how You are proclaiming Your glory, how You are changing me, how You are changing everything. 

I want to see You-- for all that You are.

One Thousand Gifts

A few quotes from "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.

"Here are gifts worth waiting 365 days for, gifts worth counting to one thousand for, gifts that will unbelievably emerge out of the deathly dark. Joy is always worth the wait, and fully living worth the believing." (emphasis mine.)

"Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because the Word has nail scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, 'I know. I know.'"

"Evil is... a willful choice to turn away from the full goodness of God..."

"When I realize that it is not God Who is in my debt, but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't it all become gift?"

"...the God Who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief... I feel Him hold me-- a flailing child tired in Father's arms. And I can hear Him sooth soft, 'Are your ways My ways, child? Can you eat My manna, sustain on My mystery? Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work for all the best good of the whole world-- because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?'"

Being 16... and 25.

From MidnightPhoenix . Some things never change.
[song lyrics in the last entry are from this song.]


Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 2:20 AM

"God... help me out here a little. I need direction. Not really.. I just need insight on Your timing. I love YOU most."

Friday, May 16, 2003 - 12:59 AM

"my past is imperfect.. but this is the present. focus on that, and I can prepare for the future."

Saturday, May 24, 2003 - 6:49 PM

"Weakness.. yeah.. I was listening to a song the other day.. and I heard the line "See all my glimmering weakness"... how can weakness be glimmering? It seems so dull and uncomfortable to me.. but then, I remembered the verse in 1 Corinthians when is says that God's power is made perfect in weakness... MY weakness? I find that so hard to believe. SO hard."

Sunday, June 1, 2003 - 1:34 AM

"Am I just losing my patience? I wish sometimes that MY timing was GOD'S timing... *sighs*
 
Father, help me do what's right.. don't let me do anything stupid ...just.. make everything clear and give me peace about it all.."  

Monday, July 13, 2003 - 3:21 AM

"What's a major turn on for you? respect for human emotions.. an incomparable love for God.. that sort of thing.."

Sunday, July 13, 2003 - 9:46 AM

"When the night seems so long...
(Throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song.
(wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong.
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside...."

Vindicated

I haven't really heard the term "vindicate" a whole lot in my life. Sure, Dashboard Confessional said it once. My father used the word to describe his disposition after Mark and I finally fixed the fuel pump in my Buick. King David asked God to do it to him... to vindicate him.

It wasn't until just recently that I realized the word applies very much to me, as well.

See, God has promised me things. He's opened my heart, dropped little hopes inside, and sewed me back up until the proper time. I get antsy, sure... I get antsy when I feel like God's not going to come through, when I feel as though I am a loony, and I can't possibly be hearing Him right. I get antsy when I forget one simple thing: those aren't my promises to keep.

This is all very important, you see. I'm finding that these struggles and trials of mine are not only for the purpose of building faith and perseverance. This isn't a patience issue. This is a spiritual gifting issue.

When God speaks something to me, I need to trust it. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, it's because I don't think it's all that important, sometimes, it's because it's easier to live in disbelief than to face the possible pain that comes from being wrong.

Slowly, I'm learning not to protect myself. I'm learning that's what God's promises are there for. I'm learning that believing in the statement "those aren't my promises to keep" is essential to walking in the Spirit, because sometimes, I'm going to be wrong, and sometimes I'm going to be right. The only way to stay sane: Let grace cover the wrong, and let God vindicate me on the rest.

I Think I Just Had a Moment

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded physical activity. I have always been out of shape, and I have always felt like I was incapable of being athletic or even doing things that required coordination.

Me, far right, about age 6

 I much preferred reading over sports, and I hated every time my friends patronized me in PE. Even when I was thin in high school, it was because I had an eating disorder and I swam laps in the family's pool for hours and hours every day.

Me, left, age 17

As I grew up, I was teased a lot... I mean... a LOT about my size. It probably didn't help that I was so incredibly insecure that I never even tried to do much physical activity. As I got older, I shoved the possibility of athleticism out of my mind, and convinced myself that food was my real enemy. If I didn't eat, I wouldn't look the way that I did... so I stopped eating pretty much altogether. I lost 90 lbs the summer before my sophomore year... that's 90 lbs in about 2 1/2 months. I ate about 400 calories a day, and I swam for about 3-4 hours a day, and if I couldn't swim in our pool, I'd bum rides off my friends to swim at the local rec center, or I would walk around town as much as I could. I went from a size 20 to a size 12 in one summer, but I still only did the exercise that I knew I could do without shame over my body.


Nowadays, things aren't too much different. I have spent the majority of my life shying away from anything that could possibly humiliate me. Until this month.

Me, left (duh), November 2011

I've been trying really hard to work out every day for about two weeks now. I haven't been as disciplined as I could have been, but I am thrilled that through hard work, I've been able to see results in such a short amount of time. But, I've still kind of been playing it safe. I've been watching my portions, making sure I take vitamins, and working out about 4 times a week, but I've been ignoring the workouts that I can't seem to master, or the ones that I feel really embarrassed while doing them.

Take for instance, the aerobic move "The Grapevine."

Today, I put in an aerobics DVD, and started the program. It got to a grapevine, and I tried once and just could not get it. I've found something out about myself... two things that are diametrically opposed. 1) I love aerobic dance and 2) I have absolutely no rhythm. No joke.

I turned off the DVD and started to do my own thing, then it hit me... I was running again. I was shying away from what I thought I couldn't do... what I thought my body didn't deserve to do, and settling for something else. I turned off all of my music, and step-by-step, I went through the grapevine movement. Then I turned on my Youtube Cardio playlist, and decided I'd try it out to a beat. The first song to play was "Ready" by Britt Nicole, and let me just tell you.... I had a moment. Not only does the song describe my attitude toward Satan, and the bondage and lies I've held onto regarding my body, but I was actually doing The Grapevine to the beat.

I cannot tell you what joy filled me because of a silly aerobic step. More than that, I found myself singing along... because I am so ready to put this behind me. I am ready to stop weighing my actions based on how ashamed of my body I am. I'm ready to shed all of that pain and anger and move forward. I'm ready to stop listening to the voice of an enemy who only wants me worn down and incapacitated. I'm ready to find joy in physical movement, whether I ever lose weight or not. I'm ready to go.

"Ready"
(Britt Nicole)

Lately I've been reeling
Off the way you got me feeling
I've been tired of this for way too long
You give me answers when I didn't ask
You keep bringing up my past
Always play the same old song
Tired of buying all your lies
Acting like I am alright
So I hope you liked it last time 'cause that will be the final time I wear my painted smile
and sing along
Yesterday's where you belong

[CHORUS]
Ready, ready to put you behind me
Ready, ready to go
Ready, ready to show you the doorway
I think you need to know
That taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
Ready, ready to go

Can I make it anymore clear?
You're no longer welcome here
I guess you need to hear it again
I've got a brand new life
Love's on my side
Games over, you lose I win
Yes, I'll tell you one more time
No see you later it's goodbye
Hey, you need to pay attention
I don't know how you keep missin' everything I'm trying to say
Listen close, I'm moving on

[CHORUS]

I'll put this behind me
The way you define me
Love says I'm something more
I'm over the pain
I'm done with the shame
I found what I waited for
You left me with scars
But He healed my heart
I found my place
Secure in His arms
So, I'll put this behind me
Yeah, I'll put you behind
I'll put you behind me

[CHORUS]

taking your time is out of the question
You're moving way too slow
I'll never stay down
I don't want you around
ready, ready to go

Yeah, I'll put this behind me
Taking your time is out of the question
Yeah, I'll put this behind me

The Fire of Consecration

Tonight, I'm going to write about something that I rarely ever talk about outside of my immediate family. I'm going to talk about children.

Obviously, I want children. I mean, I want children a whole lot.

Even before I met Mark, when I was in my "I want to be a nun" phase, I couldn't quite square away the concept of celibacy simply because I couldn't stomach the idea of never having children. Once married, both of us really looked forward to it. I, however, have always had a lot of trouble with my reproductive system and hormonal balances. Due to all of this, the entire span of our marriage has been a roller coaster of hope, seeming certainty, false alarms, broken hearts, and repetition of this entire list. From the time that we were married (October 2009) until the beginning of this year, I did not once have a regular or healthy period. While that might seem like a bit too much information, hear me out... when you experience healthy functions for years, and suddenly, there is an unexplained absence, it is very frustrating. It is scary. It is disheartening.

For a long time, I struggled with God. I wept in bitterness of heart, just like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. I curled up on the floor of our apartment, run out of tears or words to pray. Nothing changed God's mind. But, of course it didn't.

In December, I shoved all of it to the back of my mind. I took a pregnancy test, knowing it would be negative, and knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it positive. I researched and selected an herbal supplement for regulating menstrual cycles, and I decided that I wasn't going to hope anymore. If it happened, it happened, and I wanted so badly not to care. At the beginning of this year, my cycle slowly began to return to regular. For six months, it came every month, right on time. Until June.

I will not lie. I was convinced that I was pregnant. There's really only one confirmation, though... And, I started my period five hours after the test came back negative. That was last Saturday.

Since then, I've cried quite a lot. I've also learned a few things.

1) No matter how much you try, it is impossible to ignore a desire that God has built into you. I can't fake not wanting a child any more than I can fake hating coffee. It is something God gave me... the desire to be a mother... and the only way that I can deal with the hearksickness that comes from my hopes being defered is to submit everything by prayer and petition to God, so that He may guard my heart. (Philippians 4:4-7)

2) I've been listening an audio Bible this week, and the story of Noah caught my attention.Sometimes, I really feel like I am "stuck in an ark" with this whole baby business. From my eyes, that is a horrible thing. It is a horrible thing to want to walk on solid, dry ground, and only be able to sit in a stinky boat with no land in sight. But when you look at what God said about it-- His reasoning for flooding, for stranding Noah and his family out in that ark for so long, it makes a lot more sense. God said that He was using the flood waters (keep in mind that water is a symbol of the Holy Spirit) to cleanse from the earth all flesh. All flesh. Could it be-- that this trapped feeling I have so often is actually God putting me in a spot where I cannot move-- cannot change my circumstances to match my desires-- because He is using His Spirit to clease from me all of my own flesh? If so, then God's promise lingers at the end... and therein lies my third lesson...

3) I am learning that our relationship with Jesus has very little to do with the past, and it only has to do with the future when that future includes Him. We are to trust Him in the present-- to love Him and relate to Him and obey Him NOW... we are to forget what is behind, and tomorrow will worry about itself... what does that leave? It leaves now. It leaves me, Jesus, and Mark... growing and learning and loving.

With all of that said, I want to express some of my desire... I want to be a future mom, even though nothing now points to that.

I am not barren, because God is the opener and closer of wombs. I am currently seeking to be cleansed (consecrated... Isabella) by an All Consuming Fire (fire of the Lord.... Josiah) that removes everything that is shakeable.

I think Mark and I have agreed on a couple of officially awesome baby names. I can't wait to meet you, Josiah and Isabella... but for now, I'm just going to sit in this ark and wait on the Lord.

Wrestling

Genesis 32 & 33
When Jacob neared his meeting with Esau, it seemed that he lacked a lot of faith.  God had already promised Jacob that he would become great within the land of his father, but still, Jacob prayed that God would not allow Esau to kill him.  He reminded himself of God's promise, but still took measures to pacify Esau.
Jacob wrestled with God that night.  He wrestled until dawn and wouldn't stop until God blessed him.  He was wretched and faithless in the face of God's promises, but he still was allowed the privilege of experiencing God face-to-face. God still blessed him. 
Lord,  show me how to wrestle.

Where are they?

I love to read blogs. I think they are a great way to broadcast thoughts, to get feedback from a wide variety of people, and to storehouse your memories. That being said, I just spent some time looking for some fellow missionary bloggers to follow. I found entire sites dedicated to cataloging missionaries in foreign countries, I found inner city missionaries whose blogs had been moved, consolidated into church program websites, or abandoned. In my search, I could not find one inner city missionary that blogged of their own volition, sharing their own thoughts, fleshing out their own salvation with fear and trembling.

I see something wrong with this picture. Not just because I want to read blogs by fellow missionaries that experience the same sorts of things that I do -- that our missionaries do-- but, also because I realize that I don't write like that... and I should. So, I suppose I'm on here to write a little resolution... again. I want to write from my heart. I want to share what God shows me, whether it's in my time alone with Him, in the community that I am seeking to minister to, or in my time working with my hands in a dirty old warehouse or vacant, desolate buildings.

I think there is a huge issue in America. It might be cliche, but we ignore our own mission fields way too often. The suburban church chooses foreign countries for mission trips and mission support-- helping the poor (sometimes), planting churches, going to dark places (sometimes)... dark places in other lands, when our land is filled with dark places, usually the places that suburbanites refuse to even drive through, as though the devastation might be contagious. So many of our large cities are rotting from the inside out, and we're letting them.

So, I'm going to write about this one. St. Louis. The dark place God has drawn me to. The things that He shows me here. The things I struggle with in this lifestyle that I have chosen. The things that bring me abundant joy.

I hope you keep reading.

Decision Point

Obviously, when I read I want to write. Lately, it seems that I can't stop reading, whether it is British or Australian chick-lit, classic short stories, whole books of the Bible in single sittings, young adult sci-fi novels, or Christian Fiction, I just can't stop. I have discovered so many new inspirational authors in the past few weeks, with no small thanks to the library's newest reading program and their mobile app for free e-books. I figured that, in light of all of this reading, I should probably start writing, for real, again. Not writing once every few weeks, tacking on a lame five or six paragraphs at the end of what I've already got, but writing for a day straight, at least once a week.

See, I am revising my novel that I self-published so many years ago. Actually, "revision" is a very poor word choice. In fact, I think I should be honest here and say that I am not revising, I am, in fact, re-writing. Why? Because, as a teenager, I wrote a very shallow novel. It was 110 pages about a fictional character who is supposed to contain all of the twisted and tied up emotions that I had as a teenager struggling with self-abuse,. Emotions about friends, family, God,  responsibility, and vulnerability. In 110 very shallow pages, with no character development and no real honesty, I can say with utmost confidence that I failed at my attempt.

So, in order to rectify this situation, I have made a decision, and I am now broadcasting this decision to the world, or whoever might read this and care. Please hold me to it, ask me about it, and when the time comes, please help me accomplish it.

I am rewriting Unvoiced. I am telling the truth. I am saying it like it really is. And, I will be finished by the end of 2012.

Waiting

Is there some fear of loss? Some unwillingness to relinquish? Some determination to have it my way? Some insistence on what I “deserve”? May I, by Your strength, let it go, and thus find a greater freedom and a more fulfilling life. - Elisabeth Elliot, The Music of His Promises

Ephesians 1 & 2

Lord, please show me how You are building Mark and me into a dwelling place for Your Spirit. Show me what You are doing, and what my part is in it.

I am finding something out about myself. I am finding out that I seriously lack passion, and I lack even more discipline than passion. When I say I am going to do something, it usually doesn't happen. This is mostly evidenced by my blog posts promising rejuvination, my novel stagnant at chapter three, and the fact that my motivational jeans are at the bottom of a drawer, still a size too small.

Ever since New Year's day, I have had a feeling that 2012 was going to change some things, but first I need to change some things.

God in the Woods

Everyone needs a letting go
A stand in the rain
A look the sky in the face
And throw your burdens at the clouds.

Everyone needs to run through the woods
To shed their skin
To breathe in. To breathe out.
To expel the poison in their bones.

My spirit is not found in steepled churches
My heart is not contained by those four walls
My confession is not boxed by wooden screens
Or by mere mortal men.

My heart dwells in the river bed
It lives in the stones
Wrapped, shaped, and smoothed by the rushing stream.
My spirit sits on the tallest of trees
Bathed by the sun, reaching uninhibited into the sky
My confessions are carried by the wind
I speak them, and they vanish to the east onto the west
And the length in between

My Jesus does not live in the temples of man.
My Lord is not contained by their four walls.
My God dwells with me.
My God is in the woods.



[and everywhere.]

Daughters of Sarah

Fear is so very common in our culture. In fact, it is so ingrained that we don't even recognize it for what it is. It is found so often in pre-nuptial agreements, in life-insurance for our infants, in all of our organic alternatives, in our activism and in our judgement of others. We base lifestyles off of paranoia, and justify our insecurity. Fear in its subtly defines us. It is also a far cry from who God made us to be.

In 1 Peter 3, this is addressed, specifically for women.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner-self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is how the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." (1 Peter 3:3-6)

I am not writing this as an anti-feminist expose', instead, I want to focus on the last sentence of this passage. "You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." What is so important about this? Why did Peter choose to write about Sarah, and not some other woman from Biblical history? Let's look at a different passage. Galatians 4 and 5.

This passage talks about the story of Sarah and Hagar. When Abraham and Sarah could not conceive a child, Sarah arranged for her maidservant, Hagar to have Abraham's child in order to make haste of the situation. In the end, Hagar and her child were banished, and Sarah conceived Abraham's son, Isaac by the hand of God. Despite Sarah's rash decision and lack of faith, she is still the one to give birth to the son of promise-- Isaac. Furthermore, she is the one referred to in Galatians 4 as the free woman, representing spiritual freedom under grace, as opposed to Hagar, who represents slavery and being bound to the law.

What is the lesson here? What is the importance? Sarah is barren, but God blesses her with a child. She is submissive to her husband (and ultimately to God), and she is the representation of freedom in Christ. So what does it mean to be her daughter? Galatians 4 says that it means to live by the Spirit, rather than by the flesh. In this way, we are children of the free woman (Sarah).

There is something to be said about the correlation between living by the Spirit, and not giving way to fear. Aside from the fact that both of these things make us daughters of Sarah, they are inseparable in our spiritual lives. In fact, the only way to be fearless in life is to walk by the direction of the Holy Spirit. When we do so, we relinquish all rights. We let go of our own expectations and allow God to have His way with us. If we do not do this, the result is a nagging woman who lives from crisis-to-crisis and never trusts God or anyone that God places around her. If we choose to walk in the Spirit, we become loved and loving women who are able to laugh at the days to come, who's arms are strong for our tasks (Proverbs 31), and who willingly and lovingly call God and our husbands our masters.

(PS- The things listed in the first paragraph of this entry are only examples of things that are commonly, though not always, a product of fear in American culture.)

What Does Your Art Express?

I've had the opportunity and privilege over the past two days to spend some time working on my novel. Sitting at the computer, waiting for something to type onto the screen, I found myself playing spider solitaire more often than actually writing anything. It occurred to me that art is far more challenging that it first appears.

Over the past six months or so, Mark and I have been carried from the "newlywed" phase to a phase of exploring what God has called us specifically to do as a married couple- what is our ministry? What vision are we going to stake our lives in? What expression of the Kingdom do we see God building up around us and through us?

We know the overarching, big picture call on our lives- to reform the arts for the glory of God- but with a call like that, where on earth do you start?

It's easy to write fluff. It's easy to make something that sounds psuedo-spiritual, that ignites some sort of emotional reaction. It's easy to fulfill the worldly purpose of arts. It's easy to express yourself. But what if that isn't the purpose of art? What if our own egos and narcissism have overtaken something that God intended to change the world?

God's art isn't about us, because life isn't about us. God's art is difficult. It's difficult to create, and sometimes even more difficult to accept. It isn't just something to draw, write, paint, sing, or play. It's something you have to walk out. You can't write a song that declares "I was dead, now I'm alive," and continue to live as though you were dead.

Consecrated art doesn't express US. Consecrated art expresses GOD.

Desire of My Heart

When Jesus says to us, "You give me your life, and I'll give you Mine," He didn't just mean freedom, miracles, and authority. He meant all of it. He meant sorrow. He meant loving... giving yourself to people and receiving betrayal, hatred, and abandonment in return. He didn't promise happy. He didn't promise safe, but He did promise abundant, beautiful, and glorious. He promises GOOD, and it is the only way to the Father.

"Yes, Lord, walking in Your ways, we eagerly seek You; for Your name and Your renown are the desires of our hearts." Isaiah 26:8

I Lack Titling Skills

If we are to actively pursue a Godly life, we must constantly submit to the mind of Christ. We cannot decide one moment that we are above this, and the next fall before the throne of God, claming to be wholey dependent on the cross. In the realm of mercy, it is all or nothing. God demands out righteousness and desires our full attention focused on things of purity.

He calls us to truly love one another, keeping no record of wrongs and delighting in only truth. Our practice of quarrelling over trivialities is revolting. Our habit of building up walls composed of the Bricks of Pointlessness is nothing short of abhorent. If we were true disciples of Christ, the world would know us by our love for each other. We would fulfill this notion of a city on a hill with such passion and dignity that none could doubt our commitment to our God or His Church.

"I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word if I call this a perfect cavil. I readily own there hath been an old custom, time out of mind, for people to assemble in the churches every Sunday, and that shops are still frequently shut, in order, as it is conceived, to preserve the memory of that ancient practice; but how this can prove a hindrance to business or pleasure is hard to imagine. What if the men of pleasure are forced, one day in the week, to game at home instead of the chocolate-house? Are not the taverns and coffee-houses open? Can there be a more convenient season for taking a dose of physic? Is not that the chief day for traders to sum up the accounts of the week, and for lawyers to prepare their briefs? But I would fain know how it can be pretended that the churches are misapplied? Where are more appointments and rendezvouses of gallantry? Where more care to appear in the foremost box, with greater advantage of dress? Where more meetings for business? Where more bargains driven of all sorts? And where so many conveniences or incitements to sleep?" - Jonathan Swift, On Abolishing Christianity

Renovation

It's been a while. Good old Reluctantly Beloved and I haven't spent any good, quality time together since well before I got married. I've decided to resurrect the old blog, though. Things are happening... good things, and I'd love to share them with you.

Stay tuned.