I'm glad that God doesn't have to obey me.

Ink makes my skin itch. I used to use red pens to mark up my arms whenever I would feel like cutting, and the skin around the red marks would get, well, red and itchy. Now, I reserve the act of writing on myself for only incredibly important reminders. As I sit here, listening to one of my favorite Christian musical artists (Jennifer Knapp), I am being renewed. I am being reminded of one of the most essential foundations of the Christian walk-- one I have not been so quick to remember as of late. One that counteracts everything that I've been struggling with lately.

See, even though most people wouldn't believe it, I care greatly about how people view me. I have a lot of rules concerning the way in which I should live, how my ministry should be carried out, and how I fit into the elements of life around me. I should emphasize that these are my rules. No one gave them to me, no one told me to have them, and no one ever told me that I had to keep them. Lately, God's been breaking my rules. He's been telling me to stop caring how people see me, and to start living as though I know that the Living God is inside of me... because the truth is, Jessica cannot make Jessica a great leader-- only Christ can. I don't think that my sin is in an inflated ego, because I know that I cannot be a great leader. My sin is in forgetting that Christ works through me to make my ministry so much greater than I ever could.

Right now, I have written on my hand, "The All-Consuming Fire BURNS IN ME"-- to serve as a reminder of where my strength to lead really comes from. Thank you, Jennifer Knapp, for writing this song in 1999 so that I could hear it 9 years later and finally get it.

i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but
He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

now i never claimed to be anymore than i am
any more than i seem
in fact i bill myself so much less than i am
so much less than He sees
so may i hold out with an open hand
this frail life of mine and pray that You can make it stand
most Holy God it's all i need to say that i'm thankful
i can believe in the

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

Those Durn Trees

I am very good at being the Jessicanator.

I'm good at preaching the theology of waiting at the foot of Christ. I'm good at telling others how much of a blessing it is to see promises fulfilled by God. I'm good at telling others that it is exciting to see God's hand unfold every new thing and work out every variable. I am good at guarding my heart. I am good at knowing what I should be doing. I am good at carrying myself with some measure of grace and composure. I am good at not liking ooshy-gooshy romance movies. I am good at appreciating the art of flying solo. I am good at mentoring others in the way of the "Boylessness Movement."


But there are somethings that I am not so good at.



I am not good at waiting. I am not good at looking into a pair of striking blue eyes and ignoring their intentions. I am not good at not being a girl. I am apperantly not good at reading a text message written in Yoda-speak without having to stifle a giggle or squelch a smile. I am not good at appreciating God's timing. I am not even good at recognizing it. I am not good at seeing the forest.



But, I am very good at inspecting those trees.....

Reluctantly Beloved

"The difference between a flower girl and a lady is not in how she acts, but in how she is treated." (My Fair Lady)

Just so-

"The difference between a prostitute and someone's beloved is not in what she wears, but in how she is transformed."

And I've been so quick to fall for others
I've been so hasty to escape Your love
But still You've pursued me, despite the idols on my lips.
You've removed the cup that made me drunk (Isaiah 51:22)
You've redeemed me with nothing but Your blood(Isaiah 52:3),
Your life-- a sum that no one's ever paid before
Amounting to so much more than what I sold myself for
Which is so much less than the price I've paid
To construct a lie amongst all the choices I've made
Because nothing I've made before was true love
No matter what mask it wore
And no one that I've bowed before (Hosea 2:16-19)
Ever changed my heart like You
And now the chance that You could change me into a bride
A bride dressed in jewels and white(Isaiah 61:10)
Washed by Your Word-- made radiant and right... (Ephesians 5:25-27)
Still this thought leaves me hesitating
While You whisper in my ear,
"Everything that's ever left you hanging
Every unkept promise, every unsaid word
Let Me take the place of every lie you've ever heard
You are mine, I am yours
You are mine, I am yours
No matter where or who you've been."

A Love Song for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers,
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language.

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips.
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call her and she will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You."

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best.
The sermon echoes through the walls.
A great salvation through it calls to the people,
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls.

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens.
As close as a heartbeat or a song on our lips.
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call us and we will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you Savior,
Not close enough to call you God.
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion...
"I want to fall in love with You."

jars of clay

On a day like today...

...there are no words, only icons.

Annotations

Just some notes that I've written in the margins of the Brennan Manning book that I'm currently reading.

"David's heart WAS gratefulness. It was a true gratefulness that looked at God and said, "It is only by Your GRACE that I am alive. You owe me nothing. I owe You all."

"Am I, with my life, whispering doxology in the darkness around me?"

"Again, there it is...God owes me nothing"

"He (Jesus) knew God's will, yet He still submitted to whatever was in store for Him. He was God, but His life still screamed, 'GOD OWES ME NOTHING. I OWE HIM ALL.' "

If God owes us nothing, why does He offer us EVERYTHING? That isn't fair. I want nothing... nothing but all of Him.

It finally fits

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
-- e. e. cummings

blue italics

I wish GOD

Would speak a little LOUDER

or even just

whisper softly

to say "yes"

"no"

"maybe"

"here, now, how, who"

or just

"STOP ASKING ALREADY"

I wish "being still and knowing"

didn't mean

"being silent and letting"

Letting God be God

Letting promises be promises

and choosing to place my heart in knowing

HE IS GOD

When I was a child,
The world, to me, seemed so old.
All I could do was live to catch up
All I could do was die to be alive
But now, life really begins
When the scars stop bleeding
When they no longer scream
When they no longer define me
(they no longer deface me)
This once defeated temple is surely not dead
Because if the grave has lost its sting--
If Death has no victory,
Then Christ has it all.

Again, I'm speaking in lyrics. Maybe someday I'll have my own words again.

"One of these days, I'll find a way to celebrate all my mistakes

(Falling over, falling over just to show that I'm alive)

Could it be so bad to follow all these dreams I have

And use them for Your glory?"

number one gun

Maybe I do have my own words to say about that. I'm rediscovering some of my old music. It's cool to see the story God has chosen to write for me. I'm thankful each day for the removal of shame from my life... maybe someday, I will be able to CELEBRATE my mistakes.

I Am Understood

You're the only one who understands completely

You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words

If I think of something worthy

I know that its already Yours

And through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again

You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then...

You looked into my life and never stopped
And You're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And You recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

relient k

revolutionary

When God speaks, and you listen, prepare to be more discontent with those around you than you have ever been before.

But, remember the wise words of Jars of Clay,

"You don't got to fight or make yourself belong to be a revolution."

Pray for me... I'm trying to be that revolution.

My New Prayer

Hope came home,

Home to me today,

And fear has run the other way.

And words are weak;

They don't know how to say,

"You know I still believe in You."

And should my dreams fall through,

I will be safe with You.

So with every breath I can breath,

I'll sing about how You love me.

I'll sing about how You love me.

bebo norman

Yummy

I just made coffee, biscuits, and egg-drop soup.

I wish I could share it with you.

The "Sort-of" brand of Christianity

Today, I decided to chill with some friends after class. After Contemporary Fiction, a girl needs some actually meaningful conversation. So, in hopes of this, I trudged across campus to the cafeteria, purchased a 20 ounce hot chocolate, and settled in with on of my friends at the "Big Table" in the cafeteria. There were two other students with him today, and the conversation was spiritual, so I was content for a few seconds.

I should rephrase. "The conversation was spiritual-- sort of."

I think something in me was a little agitated today. Nothing these other two students said was really settling well for me, and I think I truly came to recognize people who possess "a form of Godliness, but deny the power thereof."

"Either there will have to be a huge revival in America-- which I'm praying will happen, but it isn't likely-- or we're going to have to have a really strong Christian president to preserve the Christian heritage of America"

"There's really no point in evangelizing. Some people just aren't ready to hear the Gospel, and only people who are called by God the Father will come to the Son."

"Sometimes, I find myself asking God, 'Where are You? Where is the hope for our nation?'"

My reactions to all of these wonderful laments and shrugging off of responsibilities:

"Um.... WHAT?!"

"Um.... WHAT?!"

"Where is God? God is in YOU. Where is the Hope? The Hope is in YOU. Now, stop complaining. GO, make disciples of all men."

Of course, I didn't actually say these things, unfortunately. I just decided to retrace every letter on my midterm outline to keep from cursing them.

Whew!

I just finished Elisabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity" in about 10 hours combined. More on that later.... Perhaps.

Onward to a biography about Gladys Aylward! Again!

What a week!

"Nothing unifies like a common Enemy

And we've got one, sure as Hell

He may be living in your house,

He may be raising up your kids,

He may be sleeping with your wife.

Oh no, he may not look like you think."

derek webb

Fool's Gold...

If Christ commanded the rich young ruler to sell all he had and give it to the poor if he wanted to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, why do we ignore this principle? It seems half of our lives are spent wanting to "get ahead", or worrying about what IS ahead financially, instead of focusing on things that ACTUALLY matter.

If James tells us that true religion is caring for widows, orphans, and the poor-- and remaining unstained by the world, why do we pick and choose which causes are good enough for our income to be sent to. We harbor away all of our money, as though it actually is OUR money, and not money that has been lent to us by God for His use in our lives?

If we are supposed to do everything without grumbling or complaining, why can we not find the good in what we have? We totter around everyday, looking at what God has blessed everyone else with, instead of rejoicing in what we have been blessed with.

Why is money such a stronghold for American Christians? I know of very few Christians in America that are not plagued by anxiety or insecurity in regards to money. To me, its nearly a phenomena. Can you explain it?

A New Law

don’t teach me about politics and government

just tell me who to vote for

don’t teach me about truth and beauty

just label my music

don’t teach me how to live like a free man

just give me a new law

i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy

so just bring it down from the mountain to me

i want a new law

don’t teach me about moderation and liberty

i prefer a shot of grape juice

don’t teach me about loving my enemies

don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit

just give me a new law

what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep

for one you can that cannot get you anything

derek webb

Beautiful Sound

I think I'm going to fall in love with this song...

Turn the page,
Can't turn the light out.
Every word, every line
Carries to my soul.
Dark letters on a page
Singing so loud.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear You?

Eighteen years,
I guess it was all right.
I let You do the thinking,
I'd just bide my time.
Father to son
Sunday hand-me-down.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear Your song?

It's a beautiful sound
Moving through the crowd.
Voices lifted up
On high for You.

It's a beautiful song.
We've only just begun to understand.
Rediscovering You.

To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chased me.

newsboys

More on the Bride of Christ...

I am of the persuasion that there is nothing in scripture that applies to only one situation. I strongly believe that there are principles modeled in the Bible that are relevant to many different parts of our life here on earth.

If men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, what does this say about a woman's role within the Church? Are we equal in our roles with men? If a woman has the same spiritual gift as a man, does this mean that they will both perform within the same roles in the Church? If the same-role ideal isn't modeled in marriage, why would it be carried out within the Church?

Now, with all questions asked (maybe), let's look at the role of women in marriage. Even from the very beginning, Eve was created to be Adam's helpmate. Paul instructs that men are the head of the home, as Christ is the head of the Church, and women are commanded to submit to their husbands as the Church does to Christ. While this is not directly addressing the role of women within the Church, I do believe it applies.

Men and Women are created for specific natural roles, regardless of their spiritual gifting. If we are created to be nurturers and helpmates, it is unlikely that we are intended to use our giftings in the same way. This is simple for those who are gifted with Mercy or Serving, but it gets a little harder when you run into a Prophetic female voice, or even an Apostolic one. What then? What does the Apostolic woman do when the issue of submission arises in Church leadership?

I would certainly not suggest that it is impossible for a woman to be gifted in such a way. If that is so, then it would also be impossible for men to be gifted with the less confrontational gifts. We are not gifted based on gender, but I do believe that our gifts work differently according to our gender. I also believe that as women of a prophetic or apostolic gifting, we are called to more than loose submission to a vague male spiritual authority. We are called to be the support system and helpmate for the men in authority over us. We are called to be the mentors of the younger women around us, and we are called to work by the Spirit within our own giftings regardless of the social pressure to do otherwise. Is this a dichotomy?

So... I THOUGHT I had asked all the questions.... :)

Wedding Plans are underway

Lately, God has been speaking to me a lot about the Bride of Christ. Until this season of my life, this meant very little to me. I have never been the kind of girl who planned their big, fancy wedding at the age of twelve. I have never been very romantic in the traditional flowers-and-chocolate sort of way. Even now, as God is preparing my heart for marriage, and taking me through the process of wedding-related things with my best friend, I still have very little foresight as to what my wedding will look like. One thing I do know is that weddings require a lot of attention to detail and a lot of preparation. This preparation can be frightening, frustrating, joyous, and just plain painful sometimes.

If it is true that the Church is the Bride of Christ, and the wedding will be after Christ's return, is not the time we have here the time of preparation for the wedding? What does this entail?

The engagement announcements-- Usually, the bride isn't afraid to put the name of her betrothed on the announcement of engagement. For some reason, it seems, we are afraid to even reveal his identity. But, when we don't tell the world Who it is that we are going to be married to, we keep them from sharing in the blessings of the engagement.

The perfect dress-- All brides want one thing, if nothing else, for their wedding. If the dress isn't right, the whole wedding can't be right. Bridal ornaments are talked a lot about in the Old Testament, always as a symbol of the bride's identity. In Isaiah 61:10, it says that the Lord has clothed us "...with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." What dress are we wearing as the Bride of Christ? Is it a radiant white that displays the purity and righteousness provided for us by Christ? Or did we opt for an ivory dress because of our infidelity, our unsightly pale skin, or because we thought we would break the norm of society?

The bridal shower-- I think that the bridal shower is the thing that we, as the Church, neglect the most. Instead of bringing our spiritual gifts before the Bride of Christ, we spend all of our time offering services that will in no way aid in the wedding preparations or in the life we will share with our Beloved after the wedding day is over. We were all created with gifts that will help the Bride fulfill her one true wedding preparation (that is, restoring God's glory in the world), but we either work out of our flesh, or we never RSVP for the bridal shower. Help the bride out a little!

"... Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." - Ephesians 5:25-27

"The Church"

I have come with one purpose

to capture for Myself a bride

by My life she is lovely

by My death she’s justified

I have always been her husband

though many lovers she has known

so with water I will wash her

and by My word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water

you will know you’re not alone

'cause I haven’t come for only you

but for My people to pursue

you cannot care for Me with no regard for her

if you love Me, you will love the Church

I have long pursued her

as a harlot and a whore

but she will feast upon Me

she will drink and thirst no more

so when you taste My flesh and My blood

you will know you’re not alone

there is none that can replace her

though there are many who will try

and though some may be her bridesmaids

they can never be My bride

derek webb

Floridian Mosquitos are my least favorite.

I have finally, in my treks across the country, to various states including but not limited to, Kansas, Colorado, California, Ohio, and numerous other places where I have been bitten by mosquitos both large and small, discovered one thing......

Floridian mosquitos are my least favorite.

Why? Because, when you're enjoying a fantastic, chilly evening on Miramar Beach as the fog is rolling in along with high tide, and your forehead starts itching... then burning... then swelling up to an insane size, it sort of ruins the moment.

But, all swollen foreheads aside, Florida was great... well, as great as salt water and sand can get. I really did like the thunderstorms, though. I'm glad to be back!

Crafty Christmas...

It's just been one of those Christmas seasons where I decide that all of my gifts will be hand made. Along with this decision comes the inevitable desire to cook and bake non-stop. I'm slowly becoming a crafty-blog-aholic, and trying out everything I possibly can, such as...





Pocket Pinboards made for two of the awesome girls in my life, though I cannot disclose names.





Detail on the absolutely adorable fabric on the pink one.





And Rock candy for the kids in the church, though I'm thinking that it still has a few days to go.

Thursday, I'm making some strawberry scones. I've never made scones before, but I'm hoping they turn out really well. Friday is the Goodwin Female baking day before Christmas, and then the real Christmas Time begins. Hurrah!

Florida vacation will begin on Christmas day, which is a way for my dad to TOTALLY throw out all Christmas traditions. We did manage to still have secret santa sort of things, and I made my gifts, though I can't say anything more about it than that. Someone might find out. =-O

All in all, I'm pretty excited. I do loves me some Christmas Season.

My next hair cut?

I get bored pretty easily with my hair, which is bad-- because I never know what to do next. My hair is now reaching the length at which everyone else says "you're hair is getting longer! It's so pretty!", and at which I start thinking "Need...to...chop.... need... tooo... chooooooppp..."

Normally I do something drastic like flippy short short layers...

but, I'm thinking it might be too drastic this time. So... I was thinking... maybe a page boy bob? What do you think? Should I bring back that good old 1940's fashion?

PS-- this isn't a joke.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

For years, I CLUNG to these lyrics...

"All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told"


I never knew how true it would turn out to be.

Wasteland No More

I just finished my second book project. It's called Wasteland No More, and it's a collection of journal entries, poetry, creative non-fiction, and other writings about my recovery from self-harm.

The download for this one is free. Go check it out!

Wasteland No More

4:04 AM

It is interesting to see God's provision in the things He does not allow me to have.

I am congested.

What a week.

God is ushering my ministry with Teia in with a wonderful simultaneous sharing of a headcold. Luckily for me, it's almost gone. I can't say the same for Teia, though. Keep her in your prayers. Not just with the cold, but as she embarks on a totally new chapter of her life... so new that you could probably say that God decided just to begin a new book.

I've decided to start a new blog. Since I have been writing articles about home organization and cooking for a while now, I thought I would join that passion of mine with my passion for interior design. I will still keep The Prologue, but if you're in the least bit curious... or you want to try out a new recipe, head on over to Vintage :: Modern.

That's all for now, I think. I'm going to make some coffee!

Smash Hit

All he needed was PR

A million box of business cards

Careful image consultation

Securing reputation

A clever market plan

He didn't understand

That's all it really takes

He could have played for higher stakes

Now

Somehow

We've gone wrong

This Jesus thing, it's a smash hit

It's packaged right

All stocks have split, it's a smash hit,

It's gone worldwide

Join His name to any cause

Drop His name to get applause

They never get enough

Nothing here to be ashamed of

Those ever loyal fans

They wanna get their hands

On His newest merchandising

Ignoring overpricing

Now

Oh Wow

We've gone wrong

It has no explanation

It smells like exploitation

all star united

A Bookworm's Review: Fiction to Film

After watching BBC's mini-series rendition of Jane Eyre, I was far more than surprised to see someone pull off the character of Mr. Rochester, let alone someone who did it better than Orson Welles.

What I found was a man who bore a striking resemblance to Laurence Olivier, in both his presence and acting style. With all the brutality of character that Olivier was able to execute the roles of Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights, or Maxim De Winter in Hitchcock's Rebecca, Timothy Dalton flawlessly (flawlessly!) portrayed Mr. Rochester.

I was so pleasantly surprised, actually, that I stayed up watching the entire miniseries. It was quite a journey through Miss Eyre's life; a word for word journey, straight from Bronte's pen. Once again, I find BBC undefeated in the recreation of literature of the Romantic Era. First (in my own knowledge) with Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and then with the Sherlock Holmes Pastiche, "The Case of the Silk Stocking" and now with Jane Eyre. I can't wait to see what they will do next.

Burn the Maps

we have got a dream and since it started
they all did their best to stamp it out
now we're not certain, we're not certain
who is on our side, who's on our side
older generations made their decisions
but we don't wanna follow their formula
with all due respect, with all respect man
we don't wanna end up where your at
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
we're breaking branches in the forest
so we don't forget where we came from
start from scratch baby start from scratch now
there's no better time to be reborn
glide across the path like no one's watching
and if you hit traffic, honey that's okay
you're the best at being you now
speed up or slow down choose your pace
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
cause all we need is love
you're giving us a deadline
you're waiting for the punchline
we're waiting for our moment to arrive
so give a little trust
recieve us with an open mind
you're busy reading archives
we're busy making future headlines
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
we're not walking on your footprints
in the middle of a big black trench
we're not walking on your footprints

castledoor

Metaphorically Speaking

Sip at my coffee in this grease ball café
Listening to the crowd maddening outside
In search for celebrity
In hopes of a spotlight
Rain drops pelt the darkness of this darkening world
Waitress sings a song about the daily specials
When all I really want is this coffee and some…
I look out the window to see a carbon copy
Of the latest fad from the no-longer-silver screen
And everyone else playing poor imitations of themselves
Bach echoes in my head, transposed into the trash playing on the radio
Crying out for individuality, but lacking all it takes
Much like the carbon copies and poor imitations outside
So I sit here in this grease ball café
Humming a tune from Bach,
Waiting for my order of change.

Follow Up

After my post, Songs of Time, I had the most incredible experience. Of course, there was no one awake, so there was no one to share it with, but I thought I'd e-mail Abbi... because I wanted to tell someone.

My E-Mail—"I just wrote a really long blog post about my recovery from self-injury, and where I am now in relation to that-- it talked about how every phase of my recovery drew a picture of who God would later become in my life. I've been healed from a lot of things lately... mostly things that were residue left over from self-injury... my hatred for BLANK, my barriers I've built between BLANK and me, my whole eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and so many other things. I have been completely healed, and I am so beyond rejoicing... I can't even describe it. Well... as I was writing this blog post, I was listening to Jars of Clay's song, Worlds Apart, and I was in a really worshipful mood. I decided that, since I hadn't done my quiet time, I would read at least a chapter. I remembered a verse in Isaiah 51 that God revealed to me when I was about 14, and right at the brink of my whole bout with self-harm. Until tonight, I thought it was just a cool, powerful verse, especially for someone struggling with an oppressive addiction. The verse is:

14. The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon,

nor will they lack bread.

Of course, when I was 14, this was a comfort for me... and since tonight, I was sort of walking through things that helped me along in my recovery, I thought I would read the verse, but I ended up reading the entire chapter up until verse 16.

1 "Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD : Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
2 look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth. When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.
3 The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
4 "Listen to me, my people; hear me, my nation: The law will go out from me; my justice will become a light to the nations.
5 My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm.
6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.
7 "Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults.
8 For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool. But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations."
9 Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 The ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass,
13 that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
14 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
15 For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name.
16 I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' "

As I read the last verse, I realized that God didn't give me that verse to help me to recover, even if it was a comfort. He place the verse in my heart as a foreshadowing of the journey He would take me on. Every verse describes perfectly the story of my recovery... the entire passage echoes a promise of preservation that I always felt in my bones, even if I couldn't see it at times. I bawled as I read it... I mean... happy, smiling, sobbing, gut wrenching, bawling...

I don't know if this makes sense to you... but I have never felt so personally close to God.. like, He literally touched my heart with this passage, and rewound my memory to the first time I read it... when I was 14, sitting in the backyard of our house in Staunton, my Bible and sketchbook open.... scouring everything I could (my heart, nature, scripture...) for some shred of who God wanted me to be... Six years later, after refining me, reviving me, and restoring me, He brings up this passage again and reveals my exact identity... " I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' " "

At church on Saturday, Isaiah was again placed before me, only this was a word of knowledge, given to me as a means of encouragement. It was a personalized mission for me, reminding me that I am the perfect example of how God heals an addiction, and that there are still many "cowering prisoners" who are dealing with such things as cutting and eating disorders who do not know the healing power of Christ.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

I now have an official website for my bookstore. The inventory is still small, but I thought I'd share a link with the world.


Shylock's Daughter Booksellers

Songs of time

A lot of times, it seems like I am living my life through song lyrics. Tonight, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane by listening to all of the music I listened to when I was still self-injuring, recovering from it, and even some of my modern music. By doing this, I realized how much music marked my life, and how much of a voice it gave me. Doing this also gave me a glimpse of something that I have been personally rejoicing lately-- healing... complete, beautiful, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs healing of everything in me.

In the past year or so, God has picked one thing after another to remove from me and cleanse out of my life. I have finally been freed of so many things-- self-hatred, grudges held against those who have hurt me in the past, my compulsiveness, my obsessiveness, my pretentiousness, my disordered eating, living under deception, the fear of not being good enough....

All of these things and more have disappeared from my life, and it never felt like a gradual thing. It was more like.... one morning, I woke up and I felt no resentment toward a certain person, and I felt no bitterness or pain when I thought of another. Another morning, I woke up and had no desire to control my food intake, nor did I care if other people saw me eating, nor did I care if other people looked at me and said "how'd she get to be THAT big??". And another morning, I woke up knowing that despite who I am, who God is never changes, so I will always be good enough to do His will. And still another morning, I woke up and realized that I didn't have to be afraid of holding a conversation with another person, because my mind worked coherently and I was lucid... no problems with my memory or with expressing myself verbally.

I was healed. I am healed.

And now, as I sit here listening to the music of my past, I realize that God brought me through every phase of my addiction in perfect order, so as not to leave out any experience that I would later rejoice in having because it gives an inexplicable portrait of who God has become in my life.

Even in the stage where I could not find words for my pain or emotions, God drew out my emotions with words in the form of lyrics or poetry. This was the phase where you just have to take every emotion as it is, and force yourself to feel it... and if you can't do that, to have to at least describe what it looks like to you. The line "Time doesn't always heal, it just breathes and swallows memories" describe perfectly the feeling of hopelessness, or the feeling of helplessness of the phase. Where you have the emotions, but no where to put them, so they sit with you, on you, in you, and you just sit and wait for release as time breathes and swallows memories, cradling you with its rise and fall of breath.

The next phase is the beginning of recovery, though it never really feels like it. It's the time where you find a healthy release of emotions. My release (the only true release) was found in God. I was a mess... it felt like I was metaphorically bleeding out all of my emotions that I had pent up or never recognized as valid. Completely, wholeheartedly bleeding myself dry of emotions. I would cry out to God, "You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything", and plead for Him to "usher me down". I would sit alone in a room, trying to stay perfectly still so as to restrain myself from self injuring, the lights out, music blaring, and my body shaking... feeling "the weight of loving all the things you hate", and praying that somewhere beyond the mess I was in, God was going to restore me into something He could use.

And He did restore me, but not until after I felt the dryness of the next phase. After all of my emotions had run up, and I knew that I was beyond the habit of literal self-harm, I had a deep feeling of inadequacy. This is not the sort that everyone should rightly feel in light of who God is, it is a lie... it is the feeling that something YOU have done will eternally and irreparably hinder God's use of you. So often, I'd find myself singing to God-- "Daddy, daddy do you miss me-- The way I crawled upon your knee? Those childish games of hide and seek seem a million miles away. Am I lost in some illusion, or am I what you thought I'd be? Now it seems I've found myself in need to be forgiven. Is there still room upon that knee?", and wanting more than anything the child-like relationship I had once shared with my Holy Father. Instead, I felt as though my sorrow's absence left my life with no meaning, and more than anything, with no feeling.

After two or three years of the third phase... the dry spell, if you will, God finally gave me the restoration I had so longed for. He provided me with a true Church family. He revealed to me multiple passions that I had so longed to see, and more than anything, He revived my heart and is continually romancing me and drawing me to love and want Him more. The only lyrics I can think of to describe this glorious phase even in the least bit are as follows:

"Free from the worry,

Free from the dark that lives in me.

Free to embark on the passion

You've favorably fashioned in me."

And now, as I stand here, completely incomplete, but completely assured in the fact that my sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west, I can find no words to express my gratitude and love for my rescuer, but I daily repeat the prayer, " More and more, I need You now. I owe You more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago. So steal my heart and take the pain, wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. take the beauty, take my tears... the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours take my world all apart. take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away."

Reasons Why

Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of You

I don't remember one jump or one leap

Just quiet steps away from Your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too

Feeling this short of a love that we once knew

I'm calling this home when it's not even close

Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines

Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own

But nobody's happy while feeling alone

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall

We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

It's hard not to wander away It's hard not to wander away

nickel creek

_________________________

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

Jude 1:24&25

I don't really have a lot to say after my trip, except that... when you decide to stop reading George Orwell somewhere between Chicago, Illinois and Holland, Michigan, and you pray to God that He removes your short-sightedness, He'll back up your memory until the time that you're 12 years-old, signing up for an online e-mail pen-pal website and planting a seed that will turn out to be a life-changing experience.

God grows some beautiful things, truly.

... and I finally got to give her a real hug. :)

I am no longer the poet of my youth
Nor am I the scholar of last year
Nor am I the girl of even yesterday
But it's okay
At least I'm still a pretty good cook.

I didn't know it was so easy!

Today, I retrieved our mail and was excited to find the Willow Creek Association's Fall 2007 Resources & Events catalog. Even more exciting was the full color page of bar graphs, promoting a church leadership book and disclosing some findings from three years of research that Willow Creek conducted within 7 congregations, including their own.

In the last bargraph, people were compared in their spiritual growth by compartmentalizing them into 4 groups: Exploring Christianity, Growing in Christ, Close to Christ, and Christ-Centered.

These four groups of people were then polled to see how well they performed three spiritual behaviors: Tithing ("I give 10 percent"), Serving ("I serve one time per week"), and Evangelizing ("I have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations per year with Non-Christians.")

I guess I am way too hard on myself, because I never thought it would be so easy to be Christ-Centered. Less than 40% of these "Christ-Centered" people tithed. Little more than 40% of Christ Centered people serve in their church once per week, and little more than 50% of Christ Centered people have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations with Non-Christians per year. PER YEAR.

Man, I guess I need to lower my standards a little. It's a relationship, not a religion.... right?

I am HOME

After spening a week away from my family, I realized why I am such a homebody. It isn't because I am agorophobic, or because I missed the computer, but sitting here, in the middle of Aiden's mess of toys, listening to Kikka mouth off to everyone that's not paying attention to her, and listening to my mom and Amy's non-stop chattering (they like talking...), I remember that home isn't locational for me. It isn't this 12 year old track home in O'Fallon, Misouri. It isn't even this Suburb of the greatest city in the Midwest. It's my family.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I adore all of them. There's a lot of them, and they're noisy and obnoxious, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

So... school is just around the corner. It's been sort of a big summer for me-- publishing my novel, really getting involved with True Vine and Gamaliel's Counsel, and a lot of travelling that isn't even over yet. At the end of August, I'll be visiting Grandville, Michigan to meet my best friend of 8 years. Yes, to meet her. We have been pen-pals since we were 12 years old. We've been through engagements (all on her end), break-ups (of course, all on my end), brain surgeries, addictions, and serious struggles with God together. She was the first person to ever ask to be my best friend, and the first person to ever tell me that if there was ever anything that I couldn't ask God for, that she would be the one to talk to Him in my stead. We've mourned with each other and we've rejoiced with each other... and now, for the first time ever, I will be able to give her a REAL hug. I am excited beyond belief.

Job Moments

For the past few weeks, I've really been trying to work on a lot of issues with God. On Saturday, at church, my dad talked about two things that really struck me: asking God to reveal to you what lies Satan uses to distract you and influence you in your life, and consecrating yourself for Holy use. For starters, I thought for sure that I was past the whole being lied to by Satan thing... I was convinced that when I stopped cutting, I stopped being duped by the devil. But in the past three weeks or so, I've been running into some things that have been revealed to me as major roadblocks in how I can be used by God. Last week, the topic of discussion between my Abba and me was boys. This week, our conversations have to do with my lack of friends.

See, I have close friends... but Teia lives in Bolivar. Abbi is in Michigan, and right now, Ian is somewhere in Europe... or Iceland... or something. I have yet to be able to really connect with anyone around myself that I can really, really be close to. (This is not to downplay the importance of the irreplaceable trio in my life... it's just different when you can see them regularly.)

Last night, I found myself sleepless (go figure), and pleading for God to show me what is keeping me from really connecting with people. I kept coming up with my own answers for the question (I like to do that when asking God things), like, "Am I too blunt?", "Do I need to change who I am?", or even the infamous "it's because I'm fat, isn't it?" And though God answered "no" to all of my questions, my chain of thought proceeded to the inevitable "Well, even if You gave me a close friend, you'd just take them away like You always have in the past" routine that I've been through time and time again with God.

It struck me, right about the time I finished the "I'm too fat" question that I sounded just like Moses when he was making all sorts of excuses for himself when God asked him to do something. I remembered God asking him, "Who made man's mouth?", and I laughed at myself.

Our excuses are worthless to Him, because He knows our capabilities. It isn't about how fat I am, or how blunt, or even how many friends I have-- it's about whether or not I realize that He is totally in control.

This is where the consecration comes in. I think that Moses and Job are two perfect examples of consecrated men in the Bible, but it wasn't until they realized that God created them for a distinct purpose, and that they were pointless without Him that they were truly at peace. They recognized God for who He is, and recognized their place in light of Him. Moses fell before the Burning Bush before he freed a nation from slavery, and Job put his hand over his mouth in embarrassment before God restored his riches and position.

The refinement was incredibly blunt, but some of us need that every now and then.

Scars that Save

Over and over Your blood covers me.
How many times will it take me to see?
I am so dangerous.
I am so irresponsible.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that You took the blame.

Over and over it falls back to me.
My knees hit the floor and it's easy to see.
I am so arrogant.
I feel so unforgivable.

This is my same old song.
The one where I do it all wrong.
And I will try (fight) with all that
I am to get it right in the end.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that I am to blame.

Kids in the Way

Two Poems On Tea Parties and Ghosts

The First Tea Party: Written in a Fit of Bitternes
Toward a Boy Undeserving of My Emotions
(April 6, 2007)

No, I won't stop apologizing for things that aren't really my fault
Because maybe it amuses me when you're just a little upset at my insecurities.
Maybe I want you to feel bad, because you never cared to before
And maybe I don't see that you ever even cared before at all.
Maybe the blood rushing from my face and my fingers turning to ice
Is just a reaction to your inability to take anything seriously.

Maybe ghosts are just too hard for me to have tea with
I can't sit across the table and smile when it's fake.
One lump or two, it never really mattered to me at all.
Although the scones were always my favorite,
I can't go on with things when I don't care, even though I know you can.
What makes it worse is, I know that I don't deserve you.
This has nothing to do with sour grapes.
I don't deserve you.

But I don't deserve another cup of tea, either.
And you're just going on with it because you like the taste.

The Final Tea Party: My Declaration of Independence
From Boys Undeserving of my Emotions
(July 11, 2007)

Some will leave you, but they will never leave you whole
They'll listen, but never really be able to hear
(Meaning they hear, but they'll never really care)
They'll call you worthless and push you away

Your ghosts will invite you to tea
Sporting somethings similar to character
Just as strong as their weakly brewed darjeeling
And strength just as pale as their pekoe stained with milk
Calling for two lumps instead of one to sugarcoat the truth.

These spirits will betray you
Lying to your face about what they could or couldn't be
Secretly saying "You're too good, but not good enough for me"
They'll send out the crisp invitations with only your name on the list

But if tea is any indication of character
And tea parties are the shindig of the posthumous,
I think I'll stick with coffee from now on--
The fresh, mellow energy... the strength that keeps you alive.

My Top 20

People pin me as two things most often... 1) Anti-Romantic and 2) an average 20 year old kid. In order to prove both of these notions wrong, I'm posting my top 20 songs ever recorded list. Enjoy... and be surprised, maybe.

1) "Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay
2) Beethoven's 5th Symphony
3) "Martyrs and Thieves" - Jennifer Knapp
4) "Old Rugged Cross"
5) Mozart's Symphony #40
6) "Why Try To Change Me Now?" - Frank Sinatra
7) "Can't Hurry Love" - Phil Collins
8) "My Girl" - The Temptations
9) "Pressure" - Queen
10) "Keep Waiting" - Stavesacre
11) "My Ever, My All" - Steve
12) "I Cry Out" - Parallax View
13) "Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls
14) "Everybody Loves Somebody" - Peggy Lee
15) "For Once In My Life" - The Temptations
16) "Fools Rush In" - Elvis Presley
17) "It Is Well"
18) "In Christ Alone" - Adriane Leishing-Camp and Geoffe Moore
19) "Scream" - ZOEGirl
20) "Ever The Same" - Rob Thomas

Booby Prizes and the Holy Spirit

This post will be two-fold, but I think it sort of ties in together.

Lately, I've formed the habit of not sleeping. On this particular morning, this habit provided me with the opportunity to dig into God's word by light of the sunrise. Unfortunately, my Bible was not in my bedroom, and at 5 AM, I really didn't feel like venturing outside and waking up my parents, as well as my puppy, I scanned my prolific bookshelves for a Bible or any book that might contain large chunks of scripture.

I picked up a book that I found at a book fair when I was about 11 years old. It was published in 1965, and is entitled "Going Steady With God." It is a one-year devotional plan for teenage girls, but there is a lot of scripture in it, so I thought I would at least start in July and read four or five pages. I was surprised to find an in-depth look at the workings of the Holy Spirit after the day of Pentecost, as well as some incredibly outdated lingo and anecdotes. One of these anecdotes really jumped out at me.

"Once when I was your age I was at a Sunday school party where we were asked to name all the parts of a car. I got the booby prize because I named everything but the engine! Many Christians today need to be given the booby prize. They name everything about the Christian life and everything about the Church except the power, the dynamo!"

I still have a smile on my face from this excerpt from the book. Despite the obviously 60's overtones, Anna Mow had one thing right-- most Christians DO deserve the booby prize. In today's ministries, the movement of the Holy Spirit is left out, ignored, or never even taught.

This brings me to the second part of the post. I randomly check some part-time job listings on snagajob.com, just in case I ever feel like being employed by another person again. Today, I really identified with one of their promotional strategies.

In a modern, program driven church, it is REALLY easy to find a place to plug in and serve, much like it is easy to find a minimum wage job. However, the Holy Spirit is rarely involved in this process. We take our multiple choice personality test, run it through the system, and pair ourselves with what we seem to be best suited for. But, all too often, when we try to work outside our gifting and outside of the leading of the Holy Spirit, things get awkward, much like the photos above. I have known many lifeguards working in mail rooms, and jockeys working on cattle ranches, and I have definitely known some mechanics who were placed into jobs at trendy boutiques.

This is all metaphorical, of course, but when who we are doesn't jive with what we are doing for Christ, we aren't reaching our full potential. We aren't accessing the dynamo of the Christian faith, or the powerhouse of the Church-- the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Legacy & Unvoice poetry contest.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to say what this (as well as numerous other Nichole Nordeman songs) means to me.

Meanwhile...

Unvoiced Poetry Contest:

Hosted By: Unvoiced
Deadline: Thursday Jul 26, 2007 at 7:00 PM
Where: Anywhere in the USA
Click Here To View Event

To enter this contest, e-mail me (unvoicedthebook@mail.com) with an original poem or essay expressing how self-harm has affected your life.

Possible topics might be:

*Are you recovering? Do you want to?
*How do you feel when you self-injure?
*Do you know and love someone who self-injures?
*How has self-injury affected the relationships in your life?

Prizes include:

Grand Prize: Free, autographed copy of Unvoiced by Jessica R. Goodwin; Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, and; your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Runner up: Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced, and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

3rd place: $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Essays and poems will be judged by me and three of my closest friends or relatives. All contestants will be notified of the three winners on July 30th, 2007.

DEADLINE: July 26, 2007

Pass it on!

Starting Small

It's been nearly four years in the making. At last, UNVOICED IS HERE! You all haven't the slightest idea how excited I am to be writing this blog. I have just finished, published, and ordered the first edition of Unvoiced-- a novel by Jessica R. Goodwin.

If you want your own copy, click here. I apologize for the price, but it really is the cheapest way for everyone, and I promise I'm not getting more than I should from each book.

If you REALLY want to read it, but can't spare up to $15 for anything (including shipping!), let me know... I can pass around my copy, or I can order one for you with my discount and you can pay me back. Also, it is available in downloadable PDF format for a waaaay less expensive price.

So... there you go. PRAISE GOD!

This I Believe:

This I believe:
Beauty can be found in almost all things.
There are no small actions.
Despite what you think, you ARE pretty.

This I believe:
There IS a God, even if that offends you.
It doesn't matter if you disagree with me, as long as you still respect me.
We're SUPPOSED to be different-- it's how we were created.

This I believe:
Books rule. Anyone who tells you different probably forgot how to read.
Old movies are better than new ones.
Spending time with my family is approximately 164% cooler than anything else in the world.

This I believe:
You should never take relationship advice from someone who isn't even old enough to vote.
It's okay to be crushless.
It's okay to be just you.

This I believe:
YOU are the only person you should aspire to be... because that's who God wants you to be.
What you revere, you resemble.
There is nothing more beautiful than a soul captivated by the love of God.

What inspires me...

I thought I'd post some music videos, because I have nthing better to say than what these songs say, and because I think it all needs to be said.




For this one, please take it with a grain of salt. It's actually an explanation of the next video... it's powerful, though.

Repost

Since people actually read my blog now, I thought I'd repost this... Even if you've read it before, I think you'll get a kick out of it again.

What I Want in a Church

L-O-V-E

"Become a nun, and I'll leave you alone."

I laughed out loud as I read this statement from a friend in a Facebook message earlier this week. A short conversation with Bob Carder over the weekend prompted me to write about it. I was going to last week, actually, but I got so caught up in denouncing the complacency of the American Church in that last post that boys seemed like a silly topic of blogging. However, I have involved a lot of people in praying for my decision in this matter, so I figured that an update amidst such heart changing was in order. =-)

For the past couple of years, I've been really struggling with what role God has for me as a woman of God, and trying to flesh out the desires He has placed in me regarding romance and family. It seems that all of my friends are on either one side of the spectrum or the other (except for my father, who wisely fall somewhere in the middle.) Either I WILL get married, or I should devote my entire earthly life to celibacy.

Over the past few months, however, I've found myself really meditating on the idea of marriage. See, it's easy to say "I want to get married!" when you know someone you think you want to marry or "I'm swearing off boys forever!" when that person just TOTALLY played you, but for a while now, I've found myself simply at peace and not saying I will or I won't. Last week was really confirmation to me in this area. I found God telling me, "You only deserve someone who lives with total abandonment for the cause of Christ, and until that person comes along, you are to just strive to be the woman I created in you." Simple as that.

This was freeing for me, to be perfectly honest-- to know that God has created me as an individual entity that doesn't have to sit around and wait for a husband before I can accomplish ministry. Furthermore, God allowed me to throw out all of my "standards" but one-- total abandonment for the cause of Christ. To hold any other standard than that is to limit God in who He has me marry. God knows the desires of my heart, and while I am quick to assure all of my friends that they will find just the person God has for them, I still keep thinking, "mine HAS to love to read, he HAS to want to homeschool his kids, etc...", but it's not in my control anyway, and if it is God's will for me to marry a man like that, then I most definitely will have opportunity. I've found that it was not marital direction that God was pressing my heart to find, but contentment in knowing that He knows me (and my future husband!) much better than I do.

Until I find that perfect or almost-there boy, though, I'm fervently praying that God will guard my heart, because when I try to do it, I either fail miserably or I end up passing up chances.
Only He can do it right... story of my life.

Obedience: a choice, not a process.

I'm currently reading K. P. Yohannan's book, Revolution in World Missions. One part of the book thus far really struck me, and it got me thinking-- why can't the American Church give up their buildings, programs, and method of ministry? I find it really, really strange, in light of the millions of other Christians in the world who meet without buildings or programs, that America seems so violently attatched to their church schedules.

Here is the part of the book I'm referring to:

"This kind of miracle kept me going from village to village for those seven years of itinerant preaching. Our lives read like pages from the Book of Acts. Most nights we slept between villages in roadside ditches where we were relatively safe. Sleepong in non-Christian villages would expose us to many dangers. Our team always created a stir, and at times faced stonings and beatings.
"The mobile Gospel teams I worked with-- and often led-- were just like family to me. I began to enjoy the gypsy lifestyle we lived, and the total abandonment to the cause of Christ that is demanded of an itinerate evangelist. We were persecuted, hated and despised. Yet we kept going, knowing that we were blazing a trail for the Gospel in districts that had never before experienced an encounter with Christ" (p. 30).

Now... this sort of thing is perfectly acceptable for a preacher in Third World countries, but when you try to place a minister like Yohannan in the context of the United States, it seems absurd to us, doesn't it? Why is that? How much have we as Christians conformed to secular society? How much do we worry about retirement, investments, education, mortages, and other material concerns that bear no weight on fulfilling the Great Commission?

When Yohannan heard God's call to spread the Gospel, he didn't stop what he was doing, set up a savings account at the local bank, and enroll in a Christian University, hoping to someday make it through a Masters of Divinity so he could preach in a church full of complacent Christians, urging them to invite their friends to Friendship Sunday one day a year so that he could spread the Gospel. He heard God's call, and he listened. Simple obedience is what it really comes down to.

Now which option sounds more absurd?

It's been a while...

My brother quoted one of my favorite authors (Brennan Manning) on his blog regarding the Discipleship training that TrueVine participated in this weekend. Oddly, I was reminded all weekend of a Brennan Manning quote, as well.

"I want neither a blood'n'guts religion that would make Clint Eastwood, not Jesus, our hero, nor a speculative religion that would imprison the Gospel in the halls of academia, nor a noisy, feel-good religion that is a naked appeal to emotion. I long for passion, intelligence, and compassion in a Church without ostentation, gently beckoning to the world to come and enjoy the peace and unity we possess because of the Spirit in our midst."

I have met so many people-- Christian and non-Christian alike-- that have expressed the same sentiments portrayed in this quote. In my entire 20 years on this earth, I have never seen with such clarity the potential of the church as I saw this weekend. I have never once felt at home at any church. God drew me out of my shell more than He has in years. I have never been able to reach beyond myself and actually volunteer to speak up in the midst of 25 other people (especially 25 people who are far more interesting and mature than I am). I have never felt quite so valuable as I did this weekend.

What's more is-- I know that my feeling valued has nothing to do with myself. This was not any normal retreat, and it didn't enforce self-confidence. It was not always a HAPPY time, and it was not constantly uplifting (or as the quote says, noisy and feel-good), but it was beautiful. It was edifying in every sense of the word. It was a group of sold-out, willing, and broken Disciples who realized that without Christ, they are nothing, but with Him they are world-changers.

He convicted, He healed, He transformed, He soothed, and He provided us we REAL smiles amidst our unity in Christ. Through this, He also revealed our potential as His Church-- as His Bride. It was stunning. It was beyond comparison to any other religious experience I have ever seen.

All weekend, the idea that "What we attract them with is what we attract them to" was repeated over and over again. I have complete confidence that the weight of the Gospel and the true love of Christian brothers and sisters that we, as the Church, saw this weekend is enough to attract, romance, and transform hearts and lives.

Fulfillment in Irony

God makes me giggle sometimes.

"No girl should feel she has to trade her body for love or be an old maid"

History Lesson

It always seems that we never change history

As we read old newspapers that speak of the past

Men walking on the moon, invading another nation

Or standing so tall that they were shot down.

In these moments, the idea that we're all

Just dust in the wind becomes exemplary

We feel useless and ever so small.

It is as if we must be ten times the size

Of this world just to change it or make something work

When really, the world is changed by everything

It is changed by the wind which moves

Thin, swaying tree branches, but not mountains.

It is changed by the tear that falls

Even if there is no real reason for it to surface.

It is changed when the sun rises in the morning,

And changed again when it goes down.

It is changed as the crowd rushes through the street

It is changed, even as things are simply standing still

Because everything that isn't now or forever is history

And everything we have done leaves the world

A little different than it was originally found.

How much could your smile change history,
Creating a chain reaction of smiles around the globe?